Happy New Year!

So much has happened. I can’t be bothered to think about it in order to rehash it here. But it went something like this:

Dad decided to go ahead with knee replacement even though his heart/lung doctor wasn’t for it.

Dad’s heart and lungs wrecked havoc as soon as the surgery was over. The two day hospital stay turned into six. He left the hospital with mild pneumonia and arterial fibrillation, or something like that.

I got a super cold and basically did not experience Christmas in any form. I took a day off of work and spent it in bed. Thank goodness many Episcopalians celebrate the 12 Days of Christmas which end on January 6, I think.

I’m terrified I’ll make my parent’s sick.

Dad’s medicines make him ill, dizzy, and he vomits every other day. When I’m not around he is too snippy with my mom.

Mom is a 24/7 caregiver and doing the best she can. She’s a pretty rotten caregiver, in many respects, but she’s exhausted — she’s used to sitting in her chair having dad wait on her. I’ll give her credit — she’s worn out.

He’s using oxygen now and a walker. There’s no telling if he’ll need all that after his knee has healed. Time will tell.

He was at the ER most of yesterday and I wondered again if “this was it.”

I’m not ready to lose either of my parents. I’m just hoping he can heal and gain some mobility and be with us longer.

The ex called me a couple of weeks ago to discuss a lawsuit we’re involved in. We haven’t spoken in months, which I insist on. But I knew there’d come a time when we’d need to chat about this lawsuit. He said things like, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” (Talking with him). I didn’t answer him. He was trying to act charming.

He said, “We were together seven years. We need to keep in touch.” I didn’t respond to that either. He’d LOVE it if I began to be his flirtatious pal — that would mean he didn’t do anything wrong!

I asked him if he was still planning on leaving my town when the lawsuit settled and he repeated that he “hates this hick town.” Which isn’t really an answer but it’ll do for now.

The day after Christmas I got a text from him wishing me a Merry Christmas, which I ignored.

Motherfucking asshole.

He said he and his friend (a male) were heading down to Southern California for a week to check things out. I said, “That’s great. Go do that.” But everything he says is a lie. It might just be him and his whore going on vacation to Disneyland.

But this is important: I barely give a crap about him. I barely give him any thought. Certainly through my entire work day I never think of him at all. And at night, just briefly. What joy. Wow, did that take a long time to happen.

Let me count… It’s been about 26 months since d-day. I never thought I’d get to this place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at “Meh” and I somehow think I may never get there. Why? Because his betrayal of me was the worst and biggest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m not going to let that go. I don’t really want to forget.

But I did move on with my life in a big way. I got a job where I am well loved and appreciated. Money in the bank, saving for my own home. My only regret is, oops, I’m 58, I don’t have much time to get this all figured out before someone is demanding I retire. Shit.

My biggest complaint about myself is that I am so overweight, and I know that it will cause many health problems sooner or later that I cannot afford.

When my ex abandoned me I entered the pool and worked out very, very hard for a year. I felt tall, strong, and powerful and I knew that being fit did so many crucial things for my mental and physical health. I literally had a spring in my step.

Not so much now. But I’m not giving up and I plan to try some new activities as soon as this cold I have now is gone.

WordPress sent me my “stats” for the year which I’ve never cared about but will share here anyway. I think I began writing my tale of woe in about November 2013 and what dark times I’ve been through.

I rarely feel down for long anymore and while I am the type of person who doesn’t like not knowing what the future will bring, I don’t fret over that as much as you’d think. I’d love to meet a wonderful man, but he’d have to be wonderful. I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

I love my parents, my daughter, my workmates, and I have the anticipation of perhaps becoming a homeowner again in 2016 — that’s all I need for now.

Happy New Year to All. I love you so much!

xox