Having my mom and dad come to me when my dad was so ill a few weeks ago to ask if I’d take over their loan because when one of them passes the other one will not be able to afford to live here has spurred on some heavy thinking, so I’m glad it happened.
Yesterday and today I felt a profound depression coming on and I realized that I had been pinning a lot of hopes on having my own home again. I realized by giving up that dream, I was feeling horrible.
I don’t feel hopeful about ever sharing my love with a man again, and that is so, so sad. So the only thing I felt joy over was nesting in my own home, making it my own. Putting out all the things I’ve bought over the last two years to create my own modest home for the first time in my life.
I want to come home to paint, to play loud music, to cook and bake, and also to sell stuff on eBay and invite people over to MY home. Giving that up, along with the idea of never being loved again was just more than I could bear.
So I sat down with my folks today and told them that this wasn’t about them at all, but all about me. I told them I might be being fantastical, but I wanted to try to have my own home again. Thankfully they both understood and my mom said since the initial conversation about me taking over their loan, she began to think about how hard it would be to make that transition. Also as a woman she knows how important it is to have your own home, especially your own kitchen.
I did reassure them that I’d never abandon them and that when the time came for decisions to be made about who lives where, we’d make them together.
I’ve also realized that the huge amount of stress I feel at work is largely self inflicted. I don’t need to be that stressed about it. It’s just another sign of me feeling depressed.
So as soon as I can tomorrow I am going to call my therapist and get in to see her and set up every other week appointments with her. I really wish she had evening hours, but she doesn’t, unfortunately. But this is feeling like life and death and I promise to go. I am even going to consider going back on anti depressants, but I’ll decide that in a few weeks.
I feel better already having spoken to my parents but it was a hard conversation to have. Not to tell them, but to admit to them how profoundly sad and lonely I am. I do everything alone and it’s just wearing so thin.
During this three day weekend I went to church, a museum, and a movie alone. I can’t even remember what it’s like to go to dinner with someone besides my mother and father. I’m humiliated and embarrassed that this is what my life has come to.
And I’m pissed because just a little over two years ago when my asshole ex husband dumped me for a 26 year old girl, I made two last suicide attempts and then I decided I wanted to live in spite of him.
I’ve worked so hard to get off disability and to get hired and at 58 that was not easy. I’ve worked hard to get comfortable in my skin and with my own company, but I truly thought I’d have a couple of friends by now and there surely hasn’t been even the slightest attention from any man. I don’t even know one unattached man even close to my age.
But now I can get back to my dream of buying a little two bedroom home next July and trying that on for size. It’ll be super tight financially, but I believe the rewards will be worth it. I pray they will be.
And I have a tiny bit of hope that owning my own home and feeling good about that, will change the trajectory of my life — and maybe I will still meet someone special.
If Carson and Mrs. Hughes can do it, maybe I can do it too.