Wound Up. Won’t Even Proofread this Post!

Well, my 2nd Lent isn’t going well. In fact I threw in the towel some time ago. I lasted about ten days without sugar and to be honest I felt great. I noticed a real difference in my ability to concentrate and not be so wound up. After a while, though, the cravings were so intense that I went back with a vengeance. I can’t just eat a little sugar. It’s pretty miraculous that I do not have diabetes.

But I’m not feeling well and I know that it’s almost entirely (maybe entirely) because I do not take care of myself. I do not eat right. I do not exercise. I am getting fatter every day. And, like the alcoholic or meth head, I will have no one but myself to blame.

I don’t want to be this way. I don’t know what to do about it. I let work stress dominate my life. I’m so insecure at work (about my abilities, etc.) that I eat, a lot, just to cope. I wonder if I’d be better off switching to vodka tonics.

A couple of weeks ago my dad said he didn’t want me to move out of their house. And my mom also made a point to tell me I don’t have to move if I don’t want to. To be honest it really touched me. If it were only my dad, I could merge my life with his well enough. He would not expect me to be his companion. My mom would.

Recently my mom is loonier than ever. Here’s a woman who can’t stand it if dad leaves a newspaper on the counter (it must be put on the dryer! (three feet away)). Yet has outdated food in her dirty fridge. She’s really got OCD qualities and they are hard to live with.

Dad began taking anti-depressants for the first time in his life about a month ago. He says he doesn’t know what to do for her. She’s now taken to crying for no reason. I think something is up — she’s worse than usual.

Dad told me I must be a good writer because I spend so much time on the internet and that’s what it takes. Bless his heart I disagree with him there; it takes much more to be a good writer than spending time on the internet. But I thanked him and said while I enjoy writing, I do it for myself. I could never get paid for it.

Mom mom almost guffawed from the other room over the notion that I might have a talent. (I do, and writing is not one of them).

So within in a moment or two she brings up a comment my brother wrote on Facebook and she kept referring to him as “brilliant.” And then, yes, she began to cry over how brilliant he is.

My brother is highly intelligent and he has written for most of his life. However, the stuff he writes is usually just too cerebral for me. I don’t get it. And I don’t like it. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad writer. It means it is not to my taste.

He wrote in the FB comment about how his mother drove him an hour to Los Angeles to see 2001 A Space Odyssey when he was only 13. And she just about orgasmed in her chair being mentioned in his comment, especially since she had no doubt forgotten the incident. So she threw around how brilliant his comment was and told my father he had to read his son’s brilliant comment on FB.

I’m sitting in my bedroom flipping her the fucking bird. She never fucking drove me anywhere for anything, except, oh yes, she did drive me to Los Angeles when I was 17 for an abortion. They weren’t available in Orange County at the time. Yay, mom.

Sorry for being so distasteful. I’m no example of any sort of a Christian. I’m struggling so much with the realities of my life.

For a couple of weeks I entertained the idea of using my money to open a business while living here to get it off the ground. But there would go my deposit for a house if it failed. But even more than that, for my sanity and health, I must leave this home.

I’m pretty terrified of how broke I’ll be, but I’ll find a way to make it work.

I told my supervisor that I’m beginning to feel taken advantage of and to my relief she said she understood. She said she is waiting for approval from the board for me to get a raise. I don’t know how long that will take, but felt better knowing that. And I feel more optimistic that there will be a position I am qualified for soon which would get me off the phones. I should not have to answer the phones when I have as heavy a workload as everyone else. I am not an “office assistant.” I do not have any time for that. I need to hang on.

I need to fucking relax. The weeks go by so fast, but then the weekends do too. There’s never a real break.

To my shock I am being sent to Portland with a co-worker for training in April. It’ll take me out of the office for four days, I think. I can’t imagine how they’ll manage without me there! And I’m looking forward to it like a vacation! But I think this is one more sign that they have better plans for me and I just have to keep my eye on the ball, for fuck’s sake.

CHILL.

I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow. I think I’ll ask her about going back on anti-depressants. There’s no doubt that I am quite down these days and I know I always talk about going back to see my therapist, but I can’t afford the time off of work to see her. Every two weeks I earn 3 hours off. So in a given month I earn 6+ hours to go towards sick time or vacation. It does NOT add up fast. I’ve been stockpiling my time in case I get sick or if I need a few days off when I move. But I’ve been too cheap to use that time to see a therapist. Shame on me. But think about it, if I saw my therapist twice a month, I would basically be using all my time off to see her. That’s fucked.

This is me. Being a lot like my mom. Terribly high strung and annoying to people. This is why I finally ended up being unable to work and ended up on disability. I cannot afford that luxury any longer. There is no husband to keep me afloat. There is only me.

To add to matters, I found out my favorite composure, Niklaous Harnancourt died today. RIP, Maestro:

So I am re-adjusting my attitude, as I have to with some frequency, because it’s usually my attitude, not the situation which is unbearable.

I just hate learning lessons so late in life. I do not turn to God enough. In the midst of my anxiety, I often forget he’s an option to ease my suffering. Missing church two weeks in a row does not help!

I will keep striving. I will keep trying to figure life out.

 

 

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4 responses to “Wound Up. Won’t Even Proofread this Post!

  1. Get back in the pool. It definitely helped your mind. I love you. Be good. God loves you even if you skip lent, had an abortion, everything. Don’t for a moment think otherwise. God loves everyone. And I don’t think antidepressants is a bad idea. Heart.

  2. ML,
    Sorry you are stressed out.
    Don’t beat yourself up about lent.
    I am realizing with food that trying to fix what I eat is like a drunk trying to stay sober living in a bar after hours. The people here eat things I can not which is OK, but they never put the food away when done. I am almost powerless after the 4th time running to the bathroom at night and trying to put away cookies or leftovers and not eating anything in my anger.
    So, I feel your frustration with food, I need my own controlled space at night which is when I start to lose it.
    You have prompted me to take another gymnema (makes carbs not taste as good), chromium (lowers blood glucose), magnesium (helps High BP and calms me) and a phosphatidyl serene (for my cortisol).
    I will steel myself against the ice cream melting on the kitchen counter and just let it make a mess for tomorrow.
    Maybe the pool and some AD meds for now would help you get out of your funk.
    There is much in your life to worry about.
    Oh, and your mom… do you think she is having crying jags because she is realizing dad’s mortality and her own?
    My thoughts are pretty weird and random right now, so I will be back with something constructive to say later.
    I just want you to know you are thought of often and fondly.
    Be gentle on yourself, but try and do some little steps for your mental health and well being.
    Peace and Love

    • ENM, my friend, thank you. I just got back from seeing my doctor. My BP wasn’t bad and I haven’t been on BP medicine for three weeks. I did take some cinnamon supplements today which are supposed to be good for BP. No idea if it helped. I talked to her about my anxiety and how I can’t afford to lose my shit right now with a promotion looming (I hope). She prescribed Buspar so I am going to give that a go. She took some blood and wanted some routine tests done, but nothing concerning. I always feel better when I get home from the doctor realizing I’m not as bad off as I feared I was. Of course she can see that I’m gaining weight, but I told her there’s not anything she can help me with there! I will look into gymnema for sure.

      Tomorrow I give a presentation at work and I have to spend all evening preparing for it. I’m nervous but so thrilled and hope it can become the first of many! I’m an extroverted introvert so I secretly really want to do it.

      Just when I think I could stay here in the comfort of my folk’s home I know that I have to move simply for my mental and physical health. I don’t eat right here, and I don’t move right here. Come this May and June I will begin the home search in earnest. Thanks for all your support there.

      As far as my mom, I think you’re right. It’s a frightening time of life for my mom. Perhaps she should consider antidepressants. My dad’s outlook on death is much more realistic. He’s at peace with himself where my mom isn’t. I think that makes a difference.

      I look forward to the day, ENM, where you and I have more control over our lives! We flipping deserve it.

      Thank you so much for your support. xox

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