I’ve been having trouble sleeping and last night popped two Benadryl for the first time in several weeks. I ended up having a long, excruciatingly detailed dream about my ex, the cheater.
First, we were in a weird large house on the coast. I knew he didn’t own it, but I never found out who did. He’d spend time trying to seduce me and I even found myself in bed with him a couple of times, but then the scene would quickly change and I would be following him around or trying to get away from him.
He was printing t-shirts with a home printer for an upcoming 10k he was organizing. All I could think of is did he have the necessary permits for the race. I thought, oh my god I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be a part of his insanity. His plans were all so cheap and had failure written all over it — he’s not even into exercise.
I could tell he didn’t have true feelings for me and I was just waiting for him to ask me for money. At the same time I have to admit I was slightly thrilled to see him again.
People kept coming and going and they were checking me out. I had no idea who they were or what they knew. I didn’t know who he had slept with. I kept going from room to room. I wanted to go home.
I woke up with a start and almost jumped out of bed. I didn’t want that dream coming back. I don’t think I’ve dreamt of him in well over a year, maybe two years. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him.
The dream reminded me of how much I miss physical intimacy and wondered if I’d ever be close to someone again.
I’m mostly at “meh” these days regarding that cheater ex, but he usually invades my thoughts in the evening around 7 or 8 pm for a few minutes. Just enough for me to wonder when he’ll leave this town so that I can fully move on with my life.
The Buspar does seem to be helping (for anxiety) a little in the day time, but at night it is keeping me awake. I looked up to see if other people had this issue and saw that it’s not uncommon. I’ll just stick to a morning dose from now on — I simply can’t afford not to be as rested as possible every day for work.