I’ve been sleeping badly which makes it almost impossible to tolerate stress, especially work stress.
I’ve been very vocal to my young supervisor that I cannot keep up the pace and she’s been understanding. She says they will be able to hire people effective July 1st. So it may be my opportunity to move up and away from the front desk, or at the very least give up some of my responsibilities to a new person.
I told her I’d try to hang tough until then.
I need your help, readers.
In the last few months I have been reminded at how I get to this stage where I utterly panic and then I quit. Quitting is not an option any longer, since I’m not married and I’m no longer on disability.
I’m so terrified of being off disability.
I look at my young coworkers and wonder how they handle the stress so well, and the bottom line is they must not be feeling it the same way I do. The reason I am 58 and only a front office person is that I always cave in to the pressure. The fear builds and builds and then I run off.
I could do that again, but I don’t want to, I really don’t. I want to stand up and face my fears. Shit, I only have so may working years left, I can surely rise to the occasion for a few years, right?
I finally (after months of promising to) called my therapist and will be seeing her on April 12th. I’m ashamed to see her since I’ve gained so much weight, but I desperately need her guidance so that I don’t fuck up and give myself away as a nervous wreck who can’t handle more responsibility.
I wonder why I’m this way.
My parents ask me everyday how my day went and I can see they are getting very alarmed at my state. The other day my mom said I’d probably get promoted if I didn’t make “too many waves.” She was referring to me going to my boss to tell her my workload has become unmanageable.
So even she and my father think I’m on the brink.
And I guess they’re right, I am.
My good ex husband, the one I loved, the marriage I ruined due to my mental illness saw this pattern in me time after time. I’d get a good job, a good opportunity, and within a few years I’d be at my wit’s end, unable to handle it. Afraid, really. I’m not sure of what.
Then the trips to the psych ward began, etc.
I don’t even know what to call this fear and anxiety over work expectations. If I did I’d study it online and try to get the upper hand. Maybe it’s fear of failure.
And this fear just spreads throughout my life. I begin to think about living on my own, with no one to depend on, and I panic and think I should stay here with my parents. I’m just afraid of everything.
And so for that reason I must find a way to keep on and to face these “demons” which have plagued me throughout my entire life and kept me from doing what I wanted to do, and certainly kept me from finding my potential, which I think would have been great if I hadn’t sabotaged myself at every turn.
If any of you have an inkling of what my problem is called or resources to help me sort myself out, I’d appreciate it.
I’m 58. I’m lucky to have this job and I can’t afford to lose it or be unemployed. I only have another eight to ten years left to work so I have to make the most of it. I cannot cave to this fear ever again!
Please help me.