I think I’ve said I was winding down this blog before but I feel I’m really beginning to repeat myself. I made it private a few days ago simply because I didn’t want to hit the delete button but wasn’t sure what to do. Guess I’ll leave it up as it is and check in now and then.
I’m far from perfect. Far from blissful. In fact I’m blue (again) right now. But I am finally starting to see that it probably won’t last. Feeling great won’t last, either. But I will feel good again.
I don’t feel entitled to happiness and I don’t feel anyone should. I strive for a reasonable contentedness most of the time. The highs don’t seem as wonderful without the lows anyway.
I don’t know what the future holds — oh how I wish I did. But at this point I’m just complaining about everyday life experiences — nothing all that interesting. They’re new to me because I’m a very late bloomer at this handling-life-stuff, but they’re mundane to other people.
I’ll be confirmed into the Episcopal church in two weeks. On July 1st I’ll start my new position at work. But I’m beginning to feel that things at work are about to change a bit. There are a couple of people who are not happy and may be moving on. I have to accept it, even if I don’t like it.
I’m super nervous, suddenly, about my new position, and part of me wishes that I never applied for it. I’m savvy enough to know that this is just what I do. I self sabotage. I have to keep talking to my therapist about it, and get that work/life balance I’ve talked about for a while now. Do the work. Leave. Have other things to do.
I’m very cautiously optimistic that I will buy a home in July or August even though I’ve accepted it won’t be in the city I’d prefer. Prices just went too high. But I think I can still manage it, even though it’ll be tight. I’ve also decided to adopt a senior dog even though that’ll add to my expenses. I don’t want to live alone. A dog will keep me active and give me something to love.
And when I do move pretty much everything will seem so new for a while. I’ve owned a few homes in my life, but never totally on my own, so I think it’ll be an adventure. And I’m a serious nester. I’ve taken to call myself a “homie” rather than a foodie, but it doesn’t sound as trendy, does it?
When I move, and can see the vast amount of vintage stuff I’ve acquired, I can probably make a few bucks selling it. And I’d like to have a blog associated with owning a home as a single older woman. In fact I already own the domain name.
It’s too bad I feel I’ve missed the boat to own my own business or do something exciting with my life. I’m just grateful I’m working and carrying my own weight — I never thought I’d get back there.
My church talks a lot about recognizing Jesus in the stranger and so I try to remind myself of that and go easier on people — be kinder. They also talk about us being the body of Christ and so I try to behave as he would behave, which is impossible, but something to strive for. I remember back when “WWJD” became a thing and I thought it was soooo corny and I made fun of it, but now it is secretly what I think. What would He do? And can I come anywhere close to that?
I looked down on organized religion for a long time, but you know when I look around my town it appears the only organizations doing anything to help the homeless/drug addicted are religious organizations and churches. Some churches do walk the walk.
In the last two years or so as I’ve attempted to form a relationship with God for the first time since I was a young teen, I’ve been sure of one thing: He doesn’t mind that I forgot him for a while. He’s been patiently waiting for me to come back. He will always be there.