The scale read 248.6 this morning and I thought, ‘my gosh this weight loss thing is easy’ but then I remembered WATER WEIGHT. Oh well, at least it got me into the 40s.

For a long time now I’ve been eating a ton at night, so that’s when things are the hardest for me. But right now, with just a middling effort I will probably lose weight simply because my body is used to so, so many extra calories.

It’s only been a few days but already I feel more energized and that I’m sleeping better. I woke with my alarm this morning which I never do. I’m trying to spend a couple of hours puttering around the house before I settle into to Midsomer Murders (Netflix) and that feels good too. I forget that we work nine hours and sleep 8 hours, but that does leave some time for things other than watching TV.

And I’ve started the habit of coming home on Friday and doing chores and laundry to get a jump start on the weekend. That way I don’t feel like I’m spending half of Saturday doing that. Of course I’ll probably do the yard work tomorrow, but that’s okay — it’s EXERCISE.

I discovered well after I moved in here that my walls are plaster, not drywall. I love the look of them, but I’m having a hard time hanging heavier things — I’m fearful it’ll just fall off the wall and take the plaster with it. I’ve watched a lot of youtube vids, but still feel timid. This is a time I wish I had a man in my life. But not all men know how to do stuff like that — my recent ex would not have known.

My father says, “I can help! I’m not crippled.” But he is awfully frail. I have a shelf I assembled from Ikea that I just don’t know how to get up. I feel sort of ridiculous about that.

Speaking of dad, this Sunday is Father’s Day. I’ve been acutely aware the last couple of years that every birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day, could be his last. I don’t want him to go anywhere not only because I love him and will miss him, but also because that will leave me with my mom.

My sister moved to town about a year ago. It took her several years of planning because she had to bring her other adult children with her — she has a grandchild she did not want to leave behind in Louisiana. We were never close as kids but I really did look forward to her coming here and doing things with her now and then.

Well, that’s not happening, not even a little. Last November we planned to meet at a holiday fair and I got there and texted her and started walking around. About thirty minutes later I ran into her, her daughter, and grandchild and my sister hits her daughter on the arm and declares, “I told you to remind me!”

So I was a complete and utter afterthought for her. She basically forgot she was meeting me. I can’t fathom such behavior. We are nothing alike.

I bring her up because I had at least hoped that she’d spend some time with our folks so that I don’t have to feel so guilty when I’m not over there. But no, she really can’t be bothered to do that either, and she rarely calls them. She is simply consumed with her five kids and all their drama. Outsiders can’t compete.

And my parents are pretty confused about how to deal with her and her brood. Her offspring are adults and they are jobless potheads (okay, one is on methadone), they smell, they are overly opinionated, they feel like utter strangers, and we don’t know how to deal with family get togethers.

When they come to my parent’s house, it’s awkward. When my parents offer to take them out they feel embarrassed by their appearance, smell, and behavior. I feel guilty that I don’t really want to get to know them. I can’t tell my sister that her kids are strangers to me and I don’t really care for them. I really don’t know how to handle it.

But my mom really hates them. She makes an ugly face when she talks about them. I really hate hearing her speak that way about her own grandchildren. It’s awful. So I’m sort of curious about how her opinions on my sister and her family change or don’t change when she becomes a widow.

At least I’m assuming dad will go first. It’s a miracle that a man who has smoked since he was 12 is still alive at 82. He’ll be 83 next month. Mom’s health isn’t bad, and she’s 80.

When I first moved to my place this winter I asked my sister to come over several times. She didn’t respond or didn’t feel well. I finally stopped asking her because I was beginning to feel embarrassed about it. I really feel she just doesn’t need anyone in her life. It’s not that she is envious that I have a house and she doesn’t — It’s that she just doesn’t care about anyone but herself and her kids and grandkids.

But I’m oversimplifying the situation. She does have bad health. She does have her hands full with her kids. I would not trade places with her for anything. I never should have thought we could be close since we never have been. I tell my parents that it’s not like I lost anything because she’s never been a part of my life. But I’ll admit to you that I’m disappointed. I really thought I’d have an adult friend to do something with on a Friday night.

No need to feel bad for me. I’m on my second load of laundry and I’m about to vacuum. I know how to have a good time on Friday night!


Any advice on what you do when faced with relatives you don’t really want to spend time with?



2 responses to “TGIF

  1. Your sister sounds like a pariah. and it sounds like you do all the work. SO… Don’t.
    one of the things my councilor has said is: what fills your pot. You have a pot which is starting to boil dry. cant cook things, and also wrecks the pot. So what fills your pot my lovely? Your sister and her vacuous family isn’t one of them. You have to learn to let go of guilt. How? Well.. if it helps- make a record. Note to yourself on paper- when did she ask you to go out? have dinner? visit her new house? do something for mom and dad. And note if you can remember the times you have done the same and the success rate. You always have the propensity to do more for others than yourself. THATS DUMB. YOU DESERVE JUST AS MUCH CREDIT AS EVERYONE YOU INTERACT WITH. Seriously. YOU ROCK. Shes a dick. WHY do you owe her credit? It sounds like you are a bit lonely. Heres a hint: family, and everyone else… doesnt always fill your pot the way you want them to. so you have to find DIFFERENT fillers.

    Have you gone on I just joined and signed up for every group that is remotely interesting to me. Outdoor groups, fashion groups, professionals, people who like cocktails, people who like nerdy things, seriously- all the groups i could. because there will be lots of events i cannot go to. but if i have 5 events in my email box and nothing to do, i am going to MAKE myself pick one.

    Next step: ask the nicest person you find there to go for coffee.

    Screw your sister. You cant pick your family. you love them. you have to. but hanging out with people is a choice. shes already chosen for you, and youre WAY better than her and her maddness. SO.

    What do you want to do? Who do you want to meet?

    Also: how is your job, how is your daughter? I am so happy you have a house because i know that was a big deal to you, and its lovely that you finally got approved. I am so happy for you. I love you so so so so much.

  2. You might be right about my sister. I’ve always said that she’s not mean spirited, she’s just clueless but in the end, that level of cluelessness just isn’t nice.

    I’m not sure why I have such guilt. It really shows itself in dealings with my mother and sister. I really am quite tired of feeling guilty and I get guilt feelings mixed up with being a “nice/good person” when I don’t think they correlate. I think doing some research on guilt might be a good option for me. I also have tremendous guilt with regard to my marriage to my “good” husband — taking all the blame and giving him none of it.

    I may be lonely, but I mainly feel alone — I think there’s a difference. Or maybe I’m out of touch and trying to fool myself. I have a bad combination of being tremendously shy/introverted and way too picky about people. I find most people disappointing or simply boring and can’t force myself to have interactions with people like that. I have to admit that must be a character flaw — perhaps it just makes me judgmental. I’m continuing to try to figure that out.

    Periodically I do look at MeetUp events. I went to a few a year or two ago, but I sat there quietly and when the presentation was over I looked around awkwardly at people and then just left. I always assume that people will be annoyed at having me walk up and ask a question. On the rare occasions I talk to someone, it usually appears they’re uninterested in talking back to me. I’m super thin skinned, as you know. Another huge area to work on.

    The job is pretty good. I really love the work I do. I’ve had a couple personality conflicts and I’m trying, again, to not get so worked up and to try just to have a good working relationship with the people who bug me or don’t get along with me. For the most part I succeed in doing that. I continue to be so grateful to not only have a job but to have that job. So, from M-F, 8a to 5p, I am contented, busy, and don’t feel lonely. Occasionally one group ask me to go for drinks and I join them now and then. I have to constantly remind myself that I seem to be liked there.

    Yes, I really need therapy to deal with all of this! But I am at a place now where the $25 co pay for each visit is more than I can afford. The director of the non profit I work at is trying to arrange at least minimal therapy for all of us, since, in addition to our own personal issues, we deal with child abuse 40+ hours a week, and that can result in vicarious trauma in itself. I hope that works out.

    Daughter is good. I do wish I heard from her more, but I can hear in her voice that she is HAPPY. She moved in with her long time boyfriend last year and it’s clearly filled her with joy. She has waited a long time for this happiness and I want her to enjoy it. I’ll be going to Portland to see her next week — I wanted to be out of town for my big 60th birthday. I hate birthday attention!

    Yeah, I’m a piece of work.

    Are you blogging less? I need to catch up with you. Please fill me in — it’s been too long. xox

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