Tag Archives: fat acceptance

Making Peace With my Scale

I’m glad I don’t write here everyday as I used to when I was in the throes of agony over my ex’s cheating. I’m glad that my life truly has settled down. I am happy to write when I have something to say or get off my chest.

I’ve continued to weigh nearly every day and this morning I was almost exactly what I weighed when I started. It’s been interesting for me to simply have the courage to weigh each morning and watch my weight fluctuate by almost five pounds from day to day. I guess you could say I’m making peace with my scale.

But I’m not making peace with my weight. I just know I have to come at this from a this is forever state of mind. I’m tired of gaining and losing, gaining and losing.

I turned sixty at the end of last month. Me, 60. It’s mind boggling because I feel like I have always felt. But I simply don’t want to court ill health by being so overweight. That’s the bottom line. And I’ve been quite lucky so far. (Knock wood).

But there’s more. My weight tells people, whether it’s true or not, that I have no self control. My weight tells me that I don’t consider myself worthy of having a partner because, after all, who would want me like this?

I don’t really believe in “fat acceptance” but I do believe in loving yourself where you’re at in your journey, no matter what. I do not think, however, that this world would be a better place if we all keep getting fatter and fatter and fatter.

At my age, I’m not concerned with things that concerned me twenty or thirty years ago. I’m not obsessed with looking young but when I really applied myself (after the discard) by swimming nearly every day and eating small meals I felt so damned good physically. My butt fit in my chair better. I could easily cross my legs. I didn’t worry about being the fat one on the plane. I enjoyed how my body felt and the energy and strength I had. I’d like to get a little of that back.

I don’t care how long it takes me as long as I see progress. In fact I think it may be good for me to purposely lose weight slowly.

Yesterday I decided two things, a.) I want to buy a juicer, and b.) I want to buy a treadmill.

I gave a decent juicer to my daughter before one of my many “moves” to England and I’ve missed it. I tend not to eat much fruit and veg unless they are juiced. I’m pretty savvy about making them healthy and not overly sweet.

So last night I spent three + hours researching juicers and settled upon this one, the Omega J8007S. It’s quite a step up from what I had before, but still not a top of the line juicer. It cost me $240 which is an enormous investment in my health.

My project for the weekend will be to buy a treadmill. I’m a good walker, but I don’t enjoy walking in my neighborhood. I feel too cold, too hot, too embarrassed at who might see me, too alone. I don’t walk as far as I’d like because I just want it to be over. But I’ve had success with a treadmill before, and want to give that a go. And I like knowing I can do it whenever I want to do it.

I’ve also recommitted to vegetarianism. I was a vegetarian for over 20 years when I met the ex, a meat eating Iranian. It took a while, but eventually he seduced me with barbecued shrimp and Persian style chicken kebabs. Since then I’ve eaten bacon and now and then some fish, but I don’t feel good about any of it.

I don’t enjoy eating it much, I never have, even as a kid. Also, I am seriously sensitive to the pain and suffering of animals. I can’t eat any meat without thinking of the life and death of the animal. I’m so relieved to eat the way I want to eat and will not compromise again.

So I feel optimistic that I can embark on this journey of health. With any luck I can work into my seventies and keep being independent. Yes, I should have acted before now, but I’ve been busy regaining my sanity.

Thanks for reading.

xox

 

Fat Acceptance and the Fat vs Curvy Debate

Today was one of those workout days where it took forever to get warmed up. I was in the deep pool doing my light aerobics and after ten minutes I felt like giving up. I stayed in there another ten minutes and then went to the lap pool.

I felt unmotivated today and wondered how I’d do laps for 45 minutes, let alone an hour. I decided anything over 45 minutes would be okay for today.

I was distracted because the woman in the lane next to mine seemed to start her laps at the same time I did and the last thing I want is to feel like I’m competing. It’s hard when one is neck and neck to not want to “win” by going faster. But I last longer when I slow my laps down so I tried to keep concentrating on that. I ended up doing about 50 minutes of laps, with a few breaths often between laps and then I went back to the deep pool to exercise other parts of my body.

I have a confession to make: for the last three days I have taken my suit off in the shower in the locker room. Everybody else does it and I wasn’t getting properly clean, so I thought I’d give it a go.

There’s nothing natural to me about being naked in front of anyone other than a spouse but it just seemed silly not to be able to wash all over and to really give my suit a good rinse. I can’t imagine what I look like, but I’ve seen worse bodies there and I don’t judge them. On the contrary, every body┬áthere is a winner already.

A lot is written these days about “fat shaming” and other ways in which overweight and fat people are ridiculed. Many overweight and fat people say there should be fat acceptance and I agree, but probably for different reasons than theirs.

For me, I never enjoyed being fat. I never considered myself “curvy”. In fact that word is being ruined because back in the day Marilyn Monroe was curvy and today Kim Kardashian is curvy. But to call all fat women curvy is ruining a fine word in my view.

Please do not hijack the word curvy — don’t let its meaning change!

Do some people enjoy being fat? I don’t know. I think some will say they enjoy it but how many of them really mean that? Do Melissa McCarthy or Rebel Wilson enjoy being fat? I don’t know, but their fat helped give them their careers.

Ms. McCarthy and Ms. Wilson are young now and being as overweight as they are is easier to handle in your 20s and 30s. I believe they will not like having that kind of extra weight when they hit 50 but only time will tell.

The bottom line is if they are happy I am happy. If they want to lose weight then I think they should find a way to do that. If not, I wish them well on their tougher road. I can’t do anything to inspire you or them to lose weight just as no one inspired me. I finally just got sick of feeling awful and knew that I was on the verge of becoming an invalid and the idea of that scared the crap out of me.

I feel there should be fat acceptance because anything else, especially ridicule, will not help anyone to lose weight. We are hard enough on ourselves, guys, trust me. I’ve got about 70 pounds to go in my journey and I can’t put off accepting myself until I am within normal range. I have to accept myself at every step on the path.

For the sake of good health I hope everyone has their own moment when they realize they can’t get any bigger and it’s time to change.

What are your opinions about fat acceptance? How about the curvy versus fat debate?

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