Tag Archives: Weight

Making Peace With my Scale

I’m glad I don’t write here everyday as I used to when I was in the throes of agony over my ex’s cheating. I’m glad that my life truly has settled down. I am happy to write when I have something to say or get off my chest.

I’ve continued to weigh nearly every day and this morning I was almost exactly what I weighed when I started. It’s been interesting for me to simply have the courage to weigh each morning and watch my weight fluctuate by almost five pounds from day to day. I guess you could say I’m making peace with my scale.

But I’m not making peace with my weight. I just know I have to come at this from a this is forever state of mind. I’m tired of gaining and losing, gaining and losing.

I turned sixty at the end of last month. Me, 60. It’s mind boggling because I feel like I have always felt. But I simply don’t want to court ill health by being so overweight. That’s the bottom line. And I’ve been quite lucky so far. (Knock wood).

But there’s more. My weight tells people, whether it’s true or not, that I have no self control. My weight tells me that I don’t consider myself worthy of having a partner because, after all, who would want me like this?

I don’t really believe in “fat acceptance” but I do believe in loving yourself where you’re at in your journey, no matter what. I do not think, however, that this world would be a better place if we all keep getting fatter and fatter and fatter.

At my age, I’m not concerned with things that concerned me twenty or thirty years ago. I’m not obsessed with looking young but when I really applied myself (after the discard) by swimming nearly every day and eating small meals I felt so damned good physically. My butt fit in my chair better. I could easily cross my legs. I didn’t worry about being the fat one on the plane. I enjoyed how my body felt and the energy and strength I had. I’d like to get a little of that back.

I don’t care how long it takes me as long as I see progress. In fact I think it may be good for me to purposely lose weight slowly.

Yesterday I decided two things, a.) I want to buy a juicer, and b.) I want to buy a treadmill.

I gave a decent juicer to my daughter before one of my many “moves” to England and I’ve missed it. I tend not to eat much fruit and veg unless they are juiced. I’m pretty savvy about making them healthy and not overly sweet.

So last night I spent three + hours researching juicers and settled upon this one, the Omega J8007S. It’s quite a step up from what I had before, but still not a top of the line juicer. It cost me $240 which is an enormous investment in my health.

My project for the weekend will be to buy a treadmill. I’m a good walker, but I don’t enjoy walking in my neighborhood. I feel too cold, too hot, too embarrassed at who might see me, too alone. I don’t walk as far as I’d like because I just want it to be over. But I’ve had success with a treadmill before, and want to give that a go. And I like knowing I can do it whenever I want to do it.

I’ve also recommitted to vegetarianism. I was a vegetarian for over 20 years when I met the ex, a meat eating Iranian. It took a while, but eventually he seduced me with barbecued shrimp and Persian style chicken kebabs. Since then I’ve eaten bacon and now and then some fish, but I don’t feel good about any of it.

I don’t enjoy eating it much, I never have, even as a kid. Also, I am seriously sensitive to the pain and suffering of animals. I can’t eat any meat without thinking of the life and death of the animal. I’m so relieved to eat the way I want to eat and will not compromise again.

So I feel optimistic that I can embark on this journey of health. With any luck I can work into my seventies and keep being independent. Yes, I should have acted before now, but I’ve been busy regaining my sanity.

Thanks for reading.




The Love/Hate Relationship with Weighday

Yesterday I took four doses of that “natural” powder that you mix with water to prevent constipation. The directions said three to four times a day so I wasn’t over doing it. Very little happened yesterday and very little this morning.

I’m confused. Am I constipated or am I just not eating so much that it produces large outcomes? I swear I’m not going to talk about constipation for this whole post. I simply must start eating more fruit and vegetables!

I had hoped to get up today and poop two pounds worth and then get on the scale and be thrilled. Well, that didn’t happen so I had to go ahead and weigh myself anyway.

It was with a huge amount of trepidation that I stepped on the scale. To my shock it read 230.6

I cannot believe I am that close to being in the 220s, something I haven’t been for well over ten years.

I am going to round up my weight to 231 which means that I have lost 36 pounds since mid-October. I can’t believe I’m getting close to a 40 pound loss.

As much as I really hate the anxiety leading up to weighing, I know that it truly helps me keep to my goal. By about Wednesday or Thursday I begin to think about Weighday and it keeps me in check. At 231 I should not be hitting plateaus yet. That time will come, of course, but I’m still large enough where weight loss should be expected with the amount of effort I’m putting into this.

It makes me sad that I felt so dismayed and negative yesterday when the results I’m working so hard for are actually happening for me. I need to stop and take some pride in myself and pat myself on the back. I need to spend less time thinking about how much farther I have to go and more time acknowledging what I’ve accomplished so far.

Sometimes I catch my image in the mirror and think, whoa, you look older with some weight loss or whoa, so that’s what they mean by loose neck skin. The bottom line is I am 56 and I will not look 36 after this weight loss. When you lose some of the fat in your face, you will look older, but at the same time, better. I have small features and they have been buried in a fat face. I will get used to my new face.

There are lots of places online where you can read about people’s success stories and see their before and after photos, but not too many of those women look like they’re well over fifty years old. When you read about how easy it is to gain weight after menopause you wonder if you can lose weight at all.

Well, you can. I swear you can because if I can, anyone can. Now how close to my goal weight I can get I do not know. I don’t even have a goal weight yet. If I recall, at 5’8″ I can look fairly small even at 160 pounds. To even get near that weight I have to lose 70 pounds.

All I want for myself is to not be in plus sizes and to be physically fit and able to take on all the activities I want to take part in. If I end up a fit size 12 I could live with that.

The hardest part of this entire journey was starting it because I had to get to the point where I knew gaining one more ounce might cause very grave health consequences. One of the last times I was with my husband in public I had to hold on to his arm to walk to the car. I felt like I was 90 years old and not 56. I felt really humiliated and frightened. I was not ready for that.

What’s amazing about this journey for me is that within just a week of starting it, I felt so much better, it was that quick. And then I wondered why on earth it took so many years for me to take my health back. But it did and I can’t make the clock or calendar go backwards. My age is my age. My weight is my weight. I’m dealing with it.

I think I deserve a hug. A hug from myself.

Please feel free to leave a comment and offer your own views.
And please follow me on Twitter @movingliquid1

How Difficult Should a Beginner’s Class Be?

I went to the Yoga for Weight Loss class last night and had a bad experience. I was by far the fattest person in the room (and I had actually feared the class would be too easy). About 3/4 of the way through I was sweating, frustrated, and in certain poses I was shaking, and in other ones I had to use my hands to put my foot where it should go because it wouldn’t go there on its own. All in all I left there very discouraged.

Out of the 18 or so people there, there were probably only five people who said they had little to no yoga experience, myself included. The class, by the way, is billed as a beginning level class.

I went up to the instructor afterwards and told him that the class was very hard for me. He told me to not compare myself to anyone in the room, do modified moves, and sit out an occasional position. I didn’t think that was the greatest advice since I’d be the only one sitting and watching the rest of the class. I feel like the class should be designed for people who are out of shape and everyone else can modify their positions to be harder. That’s just my view. It’s really not a good way to get new people into yoga.

When I got home I sent my sister in law an email asking her for some words of encouragement. She has practiced and studied yoga for many years and she responded by telling me that yoga is all about breathing and she wonders if this teacher is a very good teacher.

I think he is, but I feel he may have gotten out of touch with what it’s like to be a novice and/or not in shape.

I’m not giving up yet, but I think it’s a shame that I have to use all my determination to make myself go back there. I felt pretty sore in various places last night after the class, but woke up today no worse for wear, thank god. And I was eager to get into the water to wash away that bad experience.

I got directly into the lap pool today at 10:20 and swam for an hour, almost all freestyle. It felt so great. I am the fattest person doing laps as well, but I swim pretty well for a big person. I then spent about 25 minutes in the deep pool doing the usual ab and miscellaneous work. Came home just now and gobbled a cup of low fat cottage cheese. It was the best thing I’ve ever eaten! Now I’m sipping a small glass of carrot juice.

I’m excited because in an hour I’m getting my hair trimmed. I realize this isn’t a big deal for most people, but it’s been three months since my last haircut and it was a really bad haircut. Even when I sat in the chair afterwards, I looked at her as if to say, “What’s this?” I held the sides of my hair which were two very different lengths. She sort of fiddled with it, but I got home and realized I had never had a worse haircut. I decided to let it grow out so that I could cut it evenly with the shorter side.

There’s a lesson here in how to be assertive, but I wasn’t assertive, and I don’t really know how to be assertive. I have made an appointment at another salon this time and won’t go back to the other one.

Speaking of assertive, my mother is making a really unhealthy dinner tonight and I don’t want to eat it. I’m not sure what to do. She’s super sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily. I guess I’ll just eat a few bites.

My daughter has begun a university program for women in transition. One of the first courses is in learning how to be assertive and I could really use a class like that.

I have thought a lot about my post yesterday about my not liking being fat and wondering if other fat people enjoy it. I don’t imagine all fat people are self loathing but I often was. I have to tell you, however, I didn’t realize the full extend of my shame about being fat until I was on this journey to better health. Suddenly I realized that my unhappiness over my physical condition had played a far bigger role in my misery than I had ever dared to admit.

I am sure there’s another lesson for me regarding the intensity of the yoga class. I had been feeling pretty good about myself for doing so well swimming. I thought other activities would be a welcome challenge, but not so bad that I begin to feel badly about myself again.

I have a choice to do some yoga practice at home and then on Monday give the class another chance. I cannot afford to waste money on classes that I will not complete. Or I could just give up yoga and try something else. I haven’t decided yet. But to be honest, I’d like to do something where I feel it is achievable for me in my current condition; something that will encourage me to continue on and get better. I think yoga can be that, but only if the instruction is right. Later today I’ll look online for some instruction and give it a go.

Perhaps my new level of fitness has given me one thing, I’m not giving up as easily as I would have in the past.

Follow me on Twitter @movingliquid1

Breathing and Day Dreaming

Happy Monday. I got to the pool a bit late, 10:25 a.m., and the aerobics class takes place in the deep pool (where I usually warm up) from 10:30-11:15 so I decided to go into the lap pool first and it worked out fine.

I managed to do almost continual laps in the lap pool until about 11:20 and then I spent another 25 minutes in the deep pool doing leg and ab work.

I am trying to spend less time at the edge of the pool trying to catch my breath. Today I did pretty well, staying from 3 to 10 seconds at the wall between laps.

I am able to do four freestyle laps in a row now, but only if I really pace myself and think “Immersion Swimming.” Otherwise I work too hard and don’t breathe well on my left side and end up having to stop for breath.

I know I’m improving on achieving the alternate breathing thing, but it is a challenge. I often don’t seem to have enough time to get a good breath in before my face is back down in the water. It’s not because I’m not exhaling under water first, I am. It’s because I’m not staying out of the water long enough to get a decent breath, or I end up with a bit of water in my mouth and so I naturally stop inhaling.

I have to really concentrate on how I breathe on my right side and then try to do exactly that on my left. Just being off by half a second makes a big difference. I’m getting it, but it’s slow and not at all automatic yet. Also it’s not as smooth as when I breathe on my right. I think I’m really going to like alternate breathing when I get it down and I am looking forward to swimming that way for an hour. I wonder if I have to learn to do the underwater turn. I really don’t feel like it!

I need to be sure to swim every day this week because the pool is closed Saturday due  to a swim meet and closed Sunday as it usually is. I was alarmed at how much my ear hurt when I put my earplugs in, so — I hope that does not interfere.

Tonight I will try out the beginning yoga class and I’m excited and nervous about it. It takes place from 6:30-7:30 pm so it’ll be unusual for me to be out at that hour. How pathetic.

I spent more time watching videos of people doing this Nia method of exercise. It’s a sort of no impact dance martial arts thing done in bare feet, but I just can’t see myself doing it. It’s a bit touchy feely, a bit too free love for my taste. I’m wound up too tight to make “woop” sounds as I move about.

I will probably try the beginning Tai Chi class and a yoga for weight loss class. Not sure how the yoga for weight loss will be any different from beginning yoga. It’ll be nice if I can find two classes to attend at night. And it’ll be interesting to see if I have strength for dry land activities.

It’s mind boggling how sleek and trim I feel when I swim. Of course it helps that I have lost some weight and gained strength, but that’s one of the blessings of water exercise. When I push off from the side and extend my body to the longest it can be, I feel so sleek. What an awesome feeling. I can hardly wait until it’s a reality.

I’ve mentioned before the kinds of activities I want to partake in when I lose more weight. Not that I couldn’t try them now, but the weather and my budget do not really permit.

The only other activity besides swimming that I’ve done with any regularity in my life is bicycling and I am eager to buy a decent bike. My ex-husband was a bike pro and so I cannot make myself by a cheapie bike and need to save because I’ll probably end up spending about $500. It’s maddening because I had a great bike, but then moved to London and sold it. It was perfect for me. Not too many gears. Came with fenders and a comfy seat. Damn.

I have been deprived of Oregon’s natural beauty for a number of years because I lived abroad in London and didn’t see much green. But come this Spring and Summer I hope to find a way to get some hiking in. But I probably would not go without someone more experienced than me. I just realized there is a local mountain that people hike and it’s quite a workout I’m told. I could do that on my own, Mt. Pisgah. I also used to own expensive waterproof hiking boots but dropped those off at the Goodwill before my London experience.


It’s always so nice to have the right gear for the activity.

It’s OK. One thing at a time. One foot in front of the other.

As far as fantasy activities, it would be an absolute dream to scuba or snorkel in a warm place, like Hawaii. Ditto for kayaking.

I’ve snorkeled a lot as a kid and younger adult and I know I already love it. The idea, however, of breathing under water is a whole other story! But I’d give it a go if I had the opportunity. This is one problem with living away from swimmable beaches. I dream of someday planning a vacation around kayaking, snorkeling, and scuba diving in a warm paradise.

And eating delicious fresh food and maybe drinking a little wine. Perhaps being in love and having someone love me.

Please let that be in my future.

A Little Stronger Than I Thought

I felt so proud of myself for feeling good yesterday but a few hours later I got a call from my husband while I was eating dinner so I didn’t hear the ring. I called him just a couple of minutes later and he said he couldn’t talk, he was heading downtown to meet his friend.

I said, “Ok.”and “Bye.” and then I sat and stared at the TV.

It hurt because I was picturing him doing all sorts of things that a married man (who wants to stay married) would not do. It doesn’t make me feel good, either, to know that his friend, who is in his early 50s, dates women in their mid twenties. Usually university students.

I have really been trying to remove my ego from the goings on between us. I figure we’re married, not just getting to know one another, and I didn’t need to play any games with him. But now I think what he’s doing is bordering on cruel and I do not want to be treated this way.

From today on I’ll try to limit what I say about my husband on here. It matters because it affects how I feel, but I can keep it shorter. After he called last night I REALLY felt like eating everything in the house. I did have a small handful of mixed nuts and felt awful about it afterward.

I think I’ll try to keep a food diary starting today at the bottom of each post. I am not sure if I can keep it up or remember to include everything, but I’d like to see if it helps me eat better.

It’s Saturday so the mood at the pool is slightly different. The lap pool has several lanes taken up by the high school swim team but they are generally done by 11ish.

I got into the pool a few minutes before ten and had a hard time warming up. I also felt like my neck was stiff andI spent a lot of time trying to loosen it. After about 40 minutes in the deep pool I went to the lap pool and spent about 20 minutes doing an assortment of laps. Then I spent a further 20 minutes back in the deep pool.

I had a good workout, I know that, but I also sort of felt like I never really warmed up. I also know that this is day six of swimming hard and my body is probably eager for a day of rest.

I was thinking some more about the whole weighing, scale, weight thing and I recalled a no-nonsense doctor who was being asked how to figure out what you really weigh and he didn’t have time for the b.s. of it all and said, “You weigh what you weigh.” And I get that now. The goal for me is the downward trend, and I weigh what I weigh. No need to over think it.

Today’s menu:

Coffee, 2 sugars, and cream
One egg scrambled with three large mushrooms.
Half a piece of sourdough.
One prune.

Going to skip lunch if I can because we’re going to the movies and I want plain popcorn and the rare diet drink.

Small popcorn (which was pretty large)
Diet Coke

Two strawberry crepes