Tag Archives: women

Modern Man — A Narcissistic, Porn-Addicted Misfit

A friend of mine put this quote from self-described narcissist and narcissist expert Sam Vaknin on Facebook and it blew my mind:

Modern Man is a narcissistic, porn-addicted misfit. Women have banished men from their lives: they raise their children alone; they educate their offspring on their own (90% of teachers are female); they are way more accomplished academically and they are breaching all the remaining glass ceilings forcefully. Men are on the retreat, hiding in cyber caves, self-medicating perilously, assiduously avoiding the dual threats of intimacy and sex with women, their newfound nemesis. It is War and all sides are losing it.

My God, I know that not all men can be described that way, but many modern men (and more than a few women) can.

So it prompts me to ask, what the hell’s going on and how can we survive this?

Men (and some women) are throwing away years of marriage, fidelity, children, homes, other resources, sometimes including jobs, for what? A few orgasms and having their ego stroked. In order to behave as though they have no responsibilities again. And yes, I know this has been going on for a long time but it seems so much more prevalent now!

Yet, what responsibilities did they have? Did they do all the shopping? The cooking? The laundry? The cleaning? While couples are getting better at dividing housework, generally it’s still quite uneven. Did they read stories to the kids, bathe them, tuck them in, go to meetings with teachers?  Do they do these things day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year? Women do this AND hold down full time work.

Generally, they do not. In general they feel ENTITLED to a break from their job (which pays them more) and we think they deserve it. It may be that they really do deserve it. BUT we deserve it too, goddammit. Why is it so easy to put ourselves last?

I cannot fathom how they can be so short sighted. I can’t wrap my head around how a grown ass person can think this way and I fear that it is becoming more common.

Grown men who think they are babysitting and doing their wives a favor while looking after their own children. Grown men who act like children by feeling deserving of time off from family to socialize and drink with others, have solo vacations, play video games, or go to sporting events. And so much porn that an ordinary woman could never get him excited again.

Given their nature, how did men end up in charge of everything? How is it that they are responsible for business, government, law enforcement, when they can be weakened by one single orgasm? It’s one thing for a 14 year old boy to feel that way, but these days so many men are simply not growing up!

Is there something in the water? What the hell is going on?

I’ll be 59 this month and I have so much love to give but I’m not holding out any hope that I’ll find someone who wants my love. In a way it’s a shame because I’d like to care for someone (it comes naturally to me) and to find that there are adult men out in the world doing the right thing and who have balanced their responsibilities and their pecker. I don’t want to believe good men are all gone.

Are we becoming a society where women don’t really need men except as sperm donors? Would this be upsetting or good news for men? Is this who we really were from the start?

Do men see what’s going on here? Does it frighten them or does it titillate them?

If men want to remain immature, without adult responsibilities why don’t they have vasectomies and live the bachelor life instead of ruining the lives of women and children they have been with for ten, twenty, thirty, or forty years?

I’ll admit I don’t understand men at all. I really do miss them in my life but the Mars/Venus thing is just so obvious to me now that I wonder how we ever coexisted. Perhaps when we are young we are so obsessed with breeding we just can’t see the bigger picture. I’m way beyond those years now and find it alarming and sad.

I miss you, men, but I don’t understand you at all.

 

Progress, Not Perfection

I feel such shame. Last night my anger got the best of me just as I went to bed. I sent my husband an ugly text and then I called him. I said something about ‘how do you expect me to feel knowing you can’t end your relationship with this woman, and I believe she lives there with you, and all my possessions are there that she is touching and using.’ But in-between there was cursing and name calling. No dignity whatsoever.

He used it as an excuse to remind me of how horrible I am to live with and no matter what I said, everything came back to being my fault. My fault. My fault. Or my family’s fault. Never his fault. He “never asked me for anything.”

I asked him why on earth he told me he wanted to be back together with me the other day and he said he was “testing” me to see how I’d behave. Later when I asked him again he said he meant it at the time but has since changed his mind because I haven’t changed like I told him I had. Later still he said it was because he was “cushioning” me. I told him, “Stop cushioning me.”

I could tell that my parents tried to go to bed while I was having words with him rather loudly. My dad got up and I don’t know how long he stayed up. I feel awful.

In my heart I knew our relationship was unsalvageable but admitting it out loud has made me lose all my confidence. Is it me or just human nature that when he wanted me I had courage and when he doesn’t want me I lose all courage?

I immediately felt 100 years old and thought to myself, ‘you’re practically sixty. what do you think you can do with your life?’ I don’t want to be sixty. I feel so much younger.

I’m so angry that I lost all composure last night and gave him more ammunition to use against me. I tried to say to him that of all the reasons I’ve ever had to be upset, this is the best one, you sleeping with another woman. He said he is under far too much stress and that he kept asking for me to leave him alone but I wouldn’t listen. Oh, and he said he has stopped his relationship with “her” and if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

I threatened him and said if he didn’t treat me fairly, I’d tell everyone what he did to me. He doesn’t respond to threats well because that’s his area of expertise and so he threatened me back. He also said my treatment of him was far worse than his treatment of me. I honestly do not know who this man is. The man I knew seems to have truly vanished. I love and miss that man, but he no longer exists.

Wait.

I have a feeling he never existed. This is why none of my family liked him. He has a sleazy component about him. I know he is a man who wants to be good and liked, but he is duplicitous and vindictive. I knew all along that I was in a relationship with a man whose values were vastly different from mine. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter. I actually thought to myself, ‘Would you try to change Tony Soprano?’ No, you would not.

Every time I turn around I’m having to accept that my relationship is over. I keep tearing off that bandaid over and over again.

And now I am filled with self doubt. I was beginning to feel hopeful about my future new life, but now I am terrified all over again.

I have an idea for starting my own business on next to nothing, but now I wonder if it’s idiotic. I absolutely can’t trust my own instincts. I wish so much that I could have seen my new counselor this week but she couldn’t start seeing me regularly until next week. I’m going to have to share my ideas with people so I can get an idea of whether I should pursue them or not. I can’t trust my own judgement.

On top of all this indignity I have an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow to see if I have any STDs from him because I know I was with him after he started his relationship with her. And, I haven’t wanted to admit it for weeks, but I feel pain in my lower abdomen/pelvic area and I’m terrified I have something wrong inside. I had a hysterectomy two years ago and they removed my uterus and cervix. I told them if my ovaries looked ok to leave them and they did. I fear they are not ok now. My god I’m losing it.

I feel I’m at a breaking point. I am not getting nearly enough sleep. I’m not eating well because nothing sounds good. I’m so tempted to ask for klonapen or something like it to help me deal. But I simply can not. If I go that route I don’t know how long I’ll be stuck there. I don’t know what damage it will do to me and my eating and exercise regime. The only time I feel ok is when I’m working out and I can’t do that all my waking hours.

I’m really sorry to anyone reading this. I try so hard to pretend I’m motivated and changed and a decent person and then something happens to make me doubt it all. This is what my life is like and I abhor it. This is how I do not want my life to be.

Stop.

Breathe.

Understand that pretty much anybody would say things in anger that they mean and don’t mean when they realize their spouse has lied about the most intimate part of their relationship.

Give. Yourself. A. Break.

Cut yourself some slack.

Begin to process this. Begin to truly move forward.

You’re hurt. You’re not a bad person. You are hurt. You are going to be OK.

—–

I wrote the above at 5 a.m. this morning and now, after returning from swimming I feel somewhat better. This is an emotional roller coaster and no, I’m not addicted to drama. I don’t like too much of it in my life.

I sent my husband one more text today saying to him that I realize our marriage isn’t salvageable, but I do love him and care about what happens to him. That I acted up because I miss him and because I’m hurt but I don’t want to add to his stress. I told him I’d do my best to stay out of his way and for him to not give up on his case. He replied, “Thank you.” In spite of how he hurt me, I can see that he is very near a breaking point himself. He has constant calls from his family in London about their woes.

I wore my new Costco Speedo suit (size 18) today and two women, a lifeguard and a swimmer commented on my new suit. I fear that old one must have looked horrendous! It fits great but has a titch too much room in the bust. I am slightly smaller in the bust than I should be for my weight because 10 years ago I had a breast reduction. I have a feeling if/when I get to an average weight, I may end up with pancake breasts, but hey, that’s what padded bras are for, right?

When I write about exercising for an hour or sharing my eating tips I want you to know that I do not consider myself a success or an expert or an athlete. If I were known for my self control and self discipline I would not have ended up at 267 pounds, would I? While I feel that I probably will get near a normal weight, I know that this could all come tumbling down. I am known, when something doesn’t go perfectly, to throw in the towel.

I’ve worked far too hard to do that this time so I am trying to learn that this is a “progress not perfection” situation. I have also recently realized I’m far more competitive than I would ever have admitted before. Every time I have to share a lane with someone I know it quite clearly. I’ve never acknowledged that side of myself before.

I was called and told that my new counselor has an opening tomorrow at 9 a.m. and although I don’t want anything to interfere with swimming, I have taken the appointment. I’ll go swim right after that. As precarious as things are right now, I need some words of wisdom before I face the weekend.

I feel that I may not lose any weight this week, but probably will not have gained. I have just eaten wrong all week. I haven’t had many proper meals and I’ve done a bit of grazing where you can forget how much you actually consumed. I’m preparing myself for that this Sunday. If it’s the case, I’ll deal with it.

Progress, not perfection.

Exercising when you don’t feel like it and thoughts about regret

I got a good night’s sleep, a fairly rare thing. I think I probably slept from 10:30 pm to about 7:30 a.m., which is an unheard of amount of sleep for me.

But I did wake up feeling crummy. Post nasal drip. Ear hurting. Generally poopy.

I considered not going to the pool, but just put myself on automatic feeling that if I just did it, I would probably not regret it.

I was a bit dismayed when I got there because my timing was off. The deep water aerobics class was in session. The lap pool was really crowded because it is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and the local high school swim team was doing something there.

I did try to warm up in the aerobics pool but after only ten minutes went to get myself a lane. I shared the lane now and then, but overall I got lucky and kept it to myself most of the time.

I do fear that if I stay home once, I’ll stay home twice, then more often. I fear that my routine will quickly crumble if I don’t do everything I can to stick with it. I guess this shows I still have insecurities about my exercise program.

But it’s a lot like the reason I don’t go into my dad’s room and steal a handful of the Whoppers he’s got on his dresser. One handful of Whoppers could easily turn into the whole carton. Some temptations shouldn’t be messed with.

I love milk chocolate, for example, but I don’t really treat myself to it right now. If I must have chocolate, I go for the less sweet, less creamy dark chocolate bars, and I take only a couple of squares. It’s not as tempting to me. I don’t fear having it around.

But I do worry that if I miss a day of exercise due to feeling a bit punk, that it might snowball into more days a week where I do not swim. Pretty soon it has become a random activity and pretty soon I’ve stopped it completely and pretty soon I’m eating like a pig because I feel bad about myself.

Ugh.

I’m glad I went even though I didn’t feel great during the workout. But I’m no worse for wear at having done it. Funny enough I ended up swimming an hour in the lap pool and almost 45 minutes in the deep pool. By the end I was in no hurry to get out. Now I feel relaxed and rubbery and content.

I think because I had a lot of sleep I wasn’t as anxious as I have been lately. But in the pool I was thinking quite a bit about my husband and our situation and couldn’t really get him out of my mind for very long.

My mom called me from Costco and told me they have all sorts of Speedos (up to size 18) for $19.99. I told her I’d go back with her later this week to check them out. Quite a deal.

I went to the DSW website today and ordered some Adidas sandals which were on sale. I used a $10 credit I had and the purchase came to only $17 something including shipping. Those pool sandals can be up to $35 in the stores. I like the color, too. The flip flops I use are chintzy and I struggle to get them on when I get out of the pool.

adidas1

When I was doing laps I saw a woman in the lane next to me doing a butterfly kick on her back, with the paddle board behind her head. I tried it several times, working it into my “set” and can tell that, yes, it is a real stomach burner. It’s fun to add to my repertoire and I continued to use that movement in the deep pool to come up with an in-place exercise using the butterfly kick as well.

Adding new things, or mastering difficult moves helps to keep the workout interesting. I think I’ll watch some videos of people doing the butterfly kick so that I can see if I’m doing it at all correctly. For now I’m just doing what my body is telling me I should do, but I could be doing it wrong.

I had a realization that is new to me today. I imagined myself at a normal weight but never really feeling like a normal weight person in the same way an alcoholic, years after they conquer their addiction, still feel a bit odd at parties where everyone is drinking. I’m sure I’m not making myself clear, but I have a feeling that when I do get into maintenance mode, it’ll be important for me to look at myself for as long as it takes, as a person in recovery.

Perhaps as the years go by I will forget that I ate too much and was morbidly obese, but I doubt it. Perhaps it’s good that I never forget so that I always eat the way I am eating now, not depriving myself of too much, just really watching portion sizes.

Losing weight is difficult, but maintaining a weight loss is very hard, for me anyway. I haven’t even lost it all and here I am worrying about keeping it off. Still, it’s good to have a plan and not be caught off guard. I don’t want to be fat again/anymore.

When I saw my husband a few days ago he did say something about how I had “let myself go” and it was the first time he mentioned it. I was big when I met him and he always said he loved it, but I think I took it too far, especially since it began to hamper every aspect of our lives, including in bed. Our lives were so incredibly stressful that I just ate and ate to deal with the anxiety. He might like big women, but not that big.

I don’t know what I weighed when I met him in 2006, but it was probably close to what I weigh now.

I wish so much that I had woken up to all the things I was doing wrong before it was too late. I could have been a kinder, gentler person, I could have put myself on a diet and exercise program, but instead I let all of life overwhelm me and make everyone else miserable too. What a waste of years of my life. And now it might be too late to make it right. I want so badly to have another chance.

Ah, I see it’s called the Dolphin Kick:

Here some master swimmers use fins for their dolphin kick workout:

This video is great. I also just realized my stomach muscles are hurting from today’s workout:

I’d love to hear about how easy or difficult it is for you to exercise when you don’t feel like it. Or about your success with the dolphin kick, or anything else you’d like to share. Please comment below. And please follow me on Twitter @movingliquid1

Losing Weight by Swimming

Happy New Year. Last night was difficult. I hope the worst is behind me now that the holidays are behind me. First, I just didn’t like dinner. I know I should like fish and should eat fish but I am a really picky fish eater. Mom prepared salmon with an arugula yogurt sauce and I didn’t like the salmon or the sauce. I felt bad for wasting and I felt bad because my dinner mostly consisted of a small serving of white rice and a small slice of baguette, along with a third of a piece of salmon I gagged down.

I went to bed at 11 but by 1:30 a.m. I was up, unable to sleep. While I was up I ate two Fig Newtons, three big chunks of black licorice, and a handful of chocolate chips. Awful. I don’t even like black licorice. But this was pure depression eating and I’m not going to let how I ate last night discourage me from my path of weight loss and fitness.

I miss my husband. I can’t believe we’re over. I can’t believe he doesn’t want me.

I wish the pool were open today because I really need it. I hope it’s not too crowded tomorrow with all the resolutions! It’s cold and foggy today and I feel I should bundle up and take a walk, but I am also so tired and my ear hurts and I just feel like babying myself.

Enough whining. That’s my whine quota for today.

I spend a fair amount of time looking for articles about people who swim for fitness and there’s some pretty cool stuff out there, but as usual there is also a a lot of conflicting information. And it’s surprising how often people write about, or assume, that swimming will not really help you to lose weight and in fact may cause you to gain weight.

First off, the swimming if I’m lucky only burns about 600-700 calories an hour, so using it (or any activity) solely for weight loss is really not that efficient. For me, my food choices (last night excluded) are primarily why I lose weight. The exercise just puts things where I want them to go. It also gives me muscles, including a stronger heart and lungs. A side benefit of all exercise is that you also burn more calories when you’re not exercising.

One article I read about swimming and weight loss said that people are famished after swimming and that is the reason some people don’t lose weight with that activity (I guess because they give in to the hunger). I am curious to know why we would be hungrier after swimming than we would after running. I am hungry and thirsty and weak after swimming, but I don’t drive to Carls Jr. and undo all my work. In fact it’s because I’m often slightly sore that I am very aware of my changing body and am reminded about what my goals are.

If you Google, “why am I hungry after I swim” one of the first explanations is this:

Question: “I’m always famished after I go swimming. What makes this happen?”

Answer: Researchers don’t know exactly why this occurs, but they suspect that it’s because the cooler temperature of the water causes your body to lose heat and the blood vessels in your skin to constrict. This prevents the release of certain hormones that suppress appetite during and soon after exercise, says Rudy Dressendorfer, PhD, an adjunct professor at the University of Alberta’s Human Performance Laboratory in Edmonton.

One study conducted by Dressendorfer and his colleagues found that people who exercised in colder water consumed 44 percent more calories following their workout than those who expended the same amount of energy in warmer water. But you don’t have to fall prey to after-swim hunger. Dressendorfer says that you can reduce it somewhat by taking a brisk 15-minute walk to warm up your body immediately after you get out of the pool.

Ok, the above makes some sense, but c’mon swimmers, do you feel cold after swimming? I don’t! I walk to the car in my flip flops in the snow!

And a doctor in this video (at about the 1 minute mark) claims that you can lose weight by swimming, but you won’t lose as much because the water is cold and so the body keeps a layer of fat to keep you warm — utter bullocks. You can see from the comments below the video that almost everyone disagrees with him. Perhaps it applies to open water swimmers, I don’t know. But I do know that I am losing weight swimming and the water provides an aerobic workout, a weight training workout, and a heavenly emotional release!

And exercising in water is terrific for people who have been extremely inactive and are just trying to get back into an exercise routine or who may be self conscience about working out in front of really fit people in a gym. It may be the only activity they can spend 30 minutes doing right away, giving them a real sense of accomplishment. As time goes on, they can not only increase their time in the pool, but they can increase the intensity of their workout.

Swimming, for me, is not only the perfect exercise, but it is nourishing my soul because I have been a lifelong water lover. I don’t expect non water lovers to understand my love for the water and I doubt that water sports are the best exercise for people who don’t love water.

In my path to normal weight and fitness I will try many activities including tai chi, yoga, cycling, walking, and more, but for me swimming and water aerobics will remain my primary exercise.

Bottom line: If it works for you, then it works.

Just Say No to Negative Self Talk

At home this morning I caught a look at myself in my bathing suit and it made me sad. I gazed momentarily at my reflection in the bathroom mirror (showing my hips and up) and thought, wow, you’ve got so far to go. Not only that, but look how dimply and dry your skin looks, and by the way, you may feel like you have a waist, but you don’t really have a waist.

I know all of that negative self talk does no good whatsoever and that it can, over time, actually harm me by discouraging me. I determined that perhaps today was not a good mirror day.

I got to the deep pool and saw that the older woman was there. I said hi and we began to talk. I told her some things about myself that felt good to say out loud to someone and she seemed more comfortable too. I told her about my frustration at times, and how I might seem unfriendly at the pool, but that my focus is almost entirely on getting a good workout. She seemed to get it and said, “And here I am bothering you.” But I didn’t feel she was bothering me and I was working out pretty hard as we spoke. She’s a sweet woman.

When she left I looked over at the lap pool and decided I didn’t want to fight for a lap today, and so I got out to find my cap, goggles, and earplugs to just do some shorter laps in the deep pool, which I more or less had to myself. I could only find one earplug so I tried to go without which was not a good idea. My right ear still hurts and I just don’t like the feeling of water in my ears. So I decided to keep doing my aerobic and weight resistant moves in the deep pool. All in all I was in the water for an hour and a half and felt it was a good workout. The pool is closed tomorrow for New Year’s Day. After New Year’s, the lap pool will have more availability when I am there because the high school swim team will go back to their usual schedule.

I’m glad that my resolution to take care of myself happened a few months ago and not because of a magic date imposed on me by a calendar. I’ve not made many New Year’s resolutions in my life, but the few I’ve made have all failed. I expect the pool will be a bit busier after the first of the year with many well meaning folks.

I noticed in the city recreation guide that during the first week of January when classes resume, you can attend any class for free — what a great idea! I will try two or three classes and then I’ll decide what to sign up for.

As far as judging myself right now, I simply can’t do it. I’ve done so well and worked so incredibly hard and the idea of saying something bad about myself because I’m still fat is ludicrous. I’m losing about two pounds a week, which is all you’re supposed to lose. My clothes are all big, my bra is becoming empty, and there’s room between my stomach and the steering wheel. I need to remember that. That and the fact that my bad habits of 20+ years just can’t be undone in a few months, as much as I’d like them to.

Well, the habits are undone, but the battle to rid myself of the results of those bad habits has just begun.

I’ve said several times that I don’t really know what I’ll look like when this weight loss is complete, but I’m usually just thinking of my face. Now I realize my body will be different too, and it will be far from perfect. I figure I’ll be satisfied if I look good enough in clothes. There’s so much I want to do, and I’ll be able to do it!

The young developmentally disabled woman (I don’t know her name) was at the pool today and she was particularly active. She did many laps from one end of the deep pool to the other. Her freestyle form is good, and she doesn’t take a breath until she makes it to the other side. She must have great lungs! She looked at me and I waved at her the way you wave to young kids, with just the fingers going up and down and she mimicked me exactly. She doesn’t bother to smile; she is busy swimming, dammit!

I’m still battling dry skin but have found some degree of success with coconut oil. I bought some organic coconut oil, which is a solid at room temperature, but it “melts” quickly when it comes into contact with body heat. I dry off gently and while my skin is still moist, I rub the oil all over my legs, stomach, arms and anywhere else I can reach. When I’m done I even use what is left on my hands to gently go over my face. If you have dry skin you’ll know how necessary this is; if you don’t then count yourself lucky.

If I think of it, I do the same at night before bed. One plus, besides feeling MOIST is that you smell terrific, like some delicate baked good (not like a mai tai). I like knowing it is a pure product and that it does not contain any petroleum products. And no, it is not greasy like baby oil.

Speaking of petroleum products, I use this, but only on my back since I can’t reach it very well:

Spraygo_TotalMoisture_7oz_448x475_v3901-303382

When I went to Big 5 Sporting Goods to pick up some new earplugs I walked by a candy counter near the cash register and for a moment, the thought of a Three Musketeers seemed SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD, but I knew that I could eat it in four bites and then just want more. It’s not that there’s a ton of fat in it, it’s that it will set me up to want to eat more.

So, while I don’t consider myself on a very restrictive “diet” (way of eating), I do know that there are trigger foods, mainly candy bars, that must be avoided. I have thought about adding dark chocolate (70%) to my day, because I don’t enjoy it the same way I enjoy milk chocolate, then I realized if I didn’t love it, why bother to eat it?

Today for lunch I craved mushroom toast again and it tasted terrific. I followed it up with a large glass of water and a prune. I’m not obsessed with, um, emptying my bowels, but I do not like going a day without going. The prune is just my insurance.

A thing I’m grateful for: Guacamole isn’t bad for you.

Fin

Later. Feeling profoundly depressed. Missing my husband. Wish I were back in the pool.

What Doesn’t Kill Us…

They say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. They also say God never gives you more than you can handle. I tend to believe the former rather than the latter.

Once I settled (however painfully) into the idea that my relationship with my husband was over, my pain began to be relieved. Very slightly, that is, and in fits and spurts, but as of today (and right at this moment) I am having some relief from the pain. Yay.

I woke up today excited about swimming since I had yesterday off for Christmas. I spent quite a bit of time leaning about Total Immersion swimming and thought it might help me with my issue of doing more freestyle laps in a row.

I’m sure it’s the sort of technique that you pick up much more of when you have someone in the flesh teaching it to you, but I applied what I did understand and to my amazement, I saw improvement immediately.

The gist, in my view, is not to worry so much about perfect form, i.e., placement of your hands, arms, etc, but to relax into the stroke. Your face is more submerged, your arms work less, you alternative sides that you take a breath from and viola, I was immediately able to do several laps in a row with barely a stop.

The front crawl or freestyle stroke is about 90% upper body. Because I’m more interested in distance and time in the water swimming (and not racing), I can settle into a stroke which saves the arms. It felt good right away. The only area I need lots of work on is how to breathe properly from my left since I am a habitual right side breather.

I know all that will take is practice so in the meanwhile, I’ll keep perfecting the Total Immersion techniques and in time I will naturally get faster anyway.

I also found out in my reading yesterday that the freestyle simply doesn’t use your legs that much. I was really concerned with making them work and it was causing me to a.) wear out, and b.) not swim efficiently. With the new stroke I allow my legs to do what they want to do naturally behind me, which is a gentle kick which keeps me balanced in the water.

I just concentrate more on giving my legs a workout when I’m doing my deep water exercises. I am discovering new ways to work my abs as well, which is fun. If the movement feels graceful and I begin to get that slight burn in my stomach muscles, I simply keep doing it.

The highlight of my time at the pool today was meeting another swimmer and having a long talk with her. She’s a big woman, but extremely active and could swim at least double the amount of laps I can swim. She told me she also does yoga, walking, and bike riding. I was really excited to hear how she mixes up her activity and I think we hit it off. I hope to see her again.

I’ve read in the swimming blog on The Guardian website that swimming people are friendly and I’m glad to finally interact with one. I’ve chatted with a couple of older women in my aerobics class but it’s been about generalities and their grandkids. I’d prefer to talk about fitness and what works for other people.

I just found another method of swimming called The Shaw method and it looks really intriguing too. I love the water so much and I love hearing from other people who love it as much as I do.

http://gu.com/p/3y67v

Weight Loss, Weighing, and Food

You can only have a general idea of how weight loss happens and then hold on for the ride. There are so many variables, things which can cause your weight to appear up when it’s not up and in my case of a weird scale, down when you’re not down.

All over the internet I read that a “safe” amount of weight to lose each week is only 1 to 2 pounds. Then why do they expect The Biggest Loser people to often lose more than five? Because they’re bigger than I am? They work out harder than I do? Maybe.

Most people have a sort of ritual when they weigh, often once a week, in the a.m., possibly naked, and definitely with an empty stomach and bladder. So what if you’re bowels are full? Does poop weigh much? If I drink 8 ounces of water before I weigh, does it show me a half a pound heavier? Well, duh, I guess it would.

Then there’s the issue of food and whether to count calories or not. How close can you really get? Does half of my medium avocado have more calories than yours? What are the calories for a slice of sourdough bread when it comes in a round loaf and has all different sizes?

I have to get it through my head that my weight loss will take about a year, and then a lifetime of effort to keep it off. I hope that in around six months I’ll begin to feel a little more “average sized” and that my weight might not be the first thing someone notices when they meet me.

The highest I weighed, a bit over two months ago was 267 and apparently,  as of this a.m. I weigh 239. That’s a 28 pound weight loss in roughly 9 weeks. That averages out to 3.1 pounds a week. It’s understandable that my weight loss would have been greater then. I probably had a lot of extra water weight, and I had a couple brief hospital stays where I ate very little, plus the unbelievable stress of a marriage falling apart and an emotional breakdown.

The real work starts right now. I’m calmer. I’m in a routine. I’m getting sleep. I’m facing real world temptations.

I just can’t figure out how to get “excited” about a one or two pound weight loss when I’m putting in such a huge effort. I mean, huge. Working out at least 90 minutes a day and eating as smart and light as I can. This is why, as I said yesterday, I need a distraction because I’m spending far too much time just watching the clock and the scale.

Don’t forget that it’s almost Christmas and I am missing out on the family fudge, or my favorite soy egg nog, and all the delectables the stores are full of right now.

I suppose some people would be happy simply to NOT gain at this time of year, let alone lose. But I want to lose.

I was such a snacker. I didn’t feel much like eating early in the day, but from about 5 p.m. on I was unstoppable and felt like I could not get full. I’d eat almost until bedtime, which was late.

These days I’m trying to recognize what it feels like to be full enough. If I’m unsure if I feel full, I drink a bunch of water to help it expand.

From time to time I still eat things that would be off limits to proper dieters, such as tacos or pizza. I will not give those up. I just eat much less. I have two heaping teaspoons of sugar with fake cream in my coffee each day. I don’t want coffee any other way. But I only have one cup a day.

My clothes are very roomy and my belt has gone in two hefty notches but I notice my weight loss and better fitness in other ways, too.

When I drive I have more flexibility to twist and look over my shoulder. I can race all over the grocery store and not feel the least bit tired. I take longer strides. I feel taller. I have energy.

Bottom line is I am just not sure how often to weigh. I don’t want to get discouraged, but I do need to know that I’m on track. Of course having my clothes get too big would let me know, right?

Besides, I should want to lose weight slower simply because it’s healthier for the body I hope to end up with. If I do not eat enough, I won’t retain or gain muscle, something I want. I’ll be too tired to get a good workout.

For now, because I don’t know what else to do, I will continue to weigh once a week, on Sundays, my day off from working out.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner told me that we simply want to see a general downward trend but that’s easy for him to say! He’s not trying to be reborn!

Christmas is almost here which means it’s almost gone. After the first of the year I’ll be taking on at least one other class and I’m so looking forward to that.

My workout was great today, as always. I did spend 45 minutes of it in the lap pool and I tried to keep moving the entire time, but I am dismayed that I can’t do three laps in a row doing the front crawl. I can only do two. I’m simply too tired at the end of two to consider starting another lap.

I need to:

a. Cut myself some slack

b. Keep doing my best

c. Find distractions