Shit

I’ve been sick for over a month and am on my second round of antibiotics. They’ve ruled out pneumonia and are sticking with bronchitis. I’m so depressed I can’t function.

I missed five or six days of work and then got permission to work on the weekend for twelve hours to try to catch up. Things fell apart while I was gone.

I cannot handle the pace of my job. Pure and simple. I don’t know if it’s me and my high anxiety, or if it’s the fact that they won’t listen when I point out my very heavy workload. It’s probably both.

I’m the least paid person there and I have the heaviest workload and they keep giving me more. I show them how behind I am but I guess it doesn’t bother them that much. Perhaps it should not bother me, but it does.

My work mates sit in the back from 4pm and say “we’re spent. we can’t do anymore.” But me, I’m the fool who by 4p.m. is changing toilet paper roles, taking out trash, filling the fridge with more bottles of water, answering phones, helping every person who walks in the door, and balancing two positions which require actual planning, organization, and thought.

They tell me I will have a new position in July. How can I cope until then? I honestly don’t think I can. I’m ashamed of myself.

You may recall that I have not worked for over ten years and have been on disability. I pulled myself up when my cheater ex-husband bankrupted me and found a job at 58 years of age. I figured I had no choice — I had to find a way to be strong and stand on my own.

But all I’ve found is that I’m weak, frightened, scared, and now, feeling very suicidal.

My daughter rarely calls me. I have no one to talk to. I’ve been too sick to go to church in a month.

Price of houses are skyrocketing. I can no longer find any that I might be able to afford. It seems my opportunity to live a “normal” life has passed me by.

I have an appointment, finally, with my therapist on Tuesday at 4pm. I am hanging on until then because I simply don’t know what to do.

I’m ashamed to admit that the reason I can’t handle the job is because I can’t handle working. What will become of me?

At the same time I feel they really are taking advantage of me. They are asking me to do 2.5 jobs. I realize they are a struggling non profit, but this is ridiculous.

I love it there, but will begin to see if there’s anything else out there I might be able to do. Such a shame because it’s an amazing place to work. On the other hand, maybe I am getting tired of hearing about every single child sex abuse case in my county. How much can a person take?

I’m going to meet with my therapist on Tuesday and then I’ll sit down with my supervisor and the director and tell them that I can’t keep this pace until July. There is simply too much work to do and I can’t get better due to the stress.

If I had a couple of bottles of pills I would take them, I think. No, I wouldn’t. I could not do that to my parents. But I feel it. I have no hope. I am giving up.

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13 responses to “Shit

  1. One: nope. You’re spiralling but this is a reach out. Not hopeless. You just need some love.

    Two: you’ve been to a doctor obviously. You gotta go back. You need to tell them that they need a note outlining restricted work to help you recover. You have tried to be clear, your work doesn’t change… Ok. But you actually need to heal.

    Three: let’s try to come up with some incredible ideas for lightening your load. Who is in charge of the social media and volunteers for your organization? Can you appeal to have them shout out for a few volunteers for some of the things you do?

    Church: call your minister. Ask to be added to the prayer list. And they often have lay clergy who visit sick and elderly. Ask to be added to the list because you need a visit because you’re struggling, and need support. It’s not the same as getting to church, but they are your family. They will want to help and support you right now. You gave and gave when you were well. They will come and see you, and be your strength.

    Houses: God will take care of you, when the timing is right. He will bring you the best little house and yard needed when it’s time. It’s hard to believe, but he has taken care of you in the past few years. Put your cares on him. He will lift you up. Right now your focus needs to be on getting well. So don’t fret on this. Get well, breathe.

    I’m sorry your depressed, and so sorry you’re having suicidal thoughts. But you’re not that. Please go back and read some of your posts and realize how mighty you are. How you have crawled out of far worse. You are safe. You are loved. You are tired and beat down. So… You need to be gentle with yourself. You are amazing lovely! You do a good job. You have all that responsibility because they need you. But really… If the rest of the team says “oh I’m just so beat”… You should too. Stop doing everything. Tell your boss- I couldn’t. Yknow what’s going to happen? They will figure it out.

    You are amazing. You need to take care of yourself and that’s first. Get lots of sleep. Pray. Be nice to you.

    I love you. I love you a lot. It will be ok.

    • You’re beautiful. Thank you. I need to read this and re-read it and re-read it. I will listen to you. You are amazing. Thank you.

      • You’re amazing. You’re just having a hard time. But you are not where you were years ago- across the pond and alone or here, alone in a basement while your asshole husband went around skeezy charming his next meal ticket. And don’t get me started on… Holy crow, let’s be happy you aren’t a vacuous piece of shit man with no morals no ethics no ability to provide for himself and no understanding of anyone else aside from how they benefit you. You’re not that sad sack- that’s got to make you smile! You’re a beautiful woman with faith who has her parents and a loving but busy daughter. You pulled yourself up from nothing and now you’re a valued part of a very meaningful organization! You’re incredible. You will get back to higher emotions soon, just remember this sadness is a phase, not who you really are.

  2. ML, the more you stress, the harder is is going to be to get your health back on track. You have come so far, it is time to do a little emergency triage.
    CR is right, you should ask your primary care for a letter. That has helped me immensely in the past when dealing with work, my head and my health. Maybe you do not need a sick letter, but maybe some kind of lighter duty note…
    Good job having that therapy appointment. Please be sure to get there so you can start to stabilize what is going on between your anxiety and the work load. Maybe your therapist can write you the light duty letter?

    PLEASE PLEASE stop projecting about the house. Prices go up every spring and it softens again after school starts in the fall. There are some creative programs for you and the rural loan eligible area is not super far from where you are right now.
    I am having the same anxiety about home ownership and what I need to do to get ready. I am worried if I pull off buying the house, I will not have enough energy and extra money to do the renovations/improvements. I worry about what is going to happen to me when the alimony stops, gah it never ends.
    I am going to push forward and if I never make it to buy the home, there is section 8 housing for me… If I buy and my health or my money fucks up, there is section 8 housing for me. Not what I want, but problem solved… Maybe you can view it that way as well as a downside minimum, but we are not going to give up and go there just yet. It is just the knowledge of the safety net. OK?
    I need to take care of a senior issue for a bit… I will be back here or in touch with you tonight.
    I love you and you mean so much in my life, so please do not do anything “life altering” for the moment.
    Try to do some breathing exercise, some grounding exercises, pat the dogs, take a bath, eat something that will give you comfort.
    Just hang on. These feelings will pass, I promise.

    • ENM, thank you. I appreciate so much that you and other commenters really, really do get it. I sometimes think of what my safety net is, and I do have one, but I don’t like it. My parents told me yesterday that perhaps I can get back on SSD and then work part time and then I’d actually qualify for programs such as Habitat for Humanity. And they’ve told me that I have a home with them as long as they have a home. I realized as they spoke that I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel yet. At the same time it is hard to get excited when I feel I have so few work years ahead of me.

      Sometimes I think about how far I’ve managed to pull myself up. Other times I realize how truly bleak my situation really is and then I feel like such a loser. I try to remind myself that looking back does no good. But when I compare my situation to my schoolmates, for example, I doubt anyone is doing as poorly as I am now. Almost 59 and have so very little to show for it.

      I was pretty. I always had a man. Now I’m not pretty and frankly, I’m really lonely and beginning to believe I won’t ever share my life with a man again. Then I remind myself that beauty comes from the inside, and what I must work on is loving myself and taking care of myself so that I can be as healthy as possible. I can’t rely on anyone to come save me as I always did before.

      Thank you for your calming words about the real estate ebb and flow I didn’t know that about Spring prices.

      On one hand I can stay here at my folk’s house, but it is not good for my health. I am confined to a small bedroom. I have no creative outlets. I don’t exercise. When I dream about my own place I dedicate a large part to being able to paint and having a treadmill in my living room — things I really need for my health/sanity. I can’t do that here. Well, maybe I could if I asked my folks, but my mom is so particular about how things look. You’d never know I live here because I have made sure my imprint is only in this bedroom. But it is not a healthy way to live. God knows you know about that!

      I think I need to constantly remind myself about what is important in this life, which is so, so short; friends like you, family, meaningful employment, helping humanity when I can. There isn’t much more to it, really. The rest is fluff. I must stop comparing myself to anyone else.

      I love you and I’m so appreciate of your support. Perhaps we can talk on the phone later today if you’ve got time.

      xox

  3. Hi Moving Liquid. We’ve ‘met’ over at CL- and I’ve commented before how we’re similar age etc. There’s not much to add to comments from CR and ENM. But I’m in a 12 step program and one key advice on everything – good and bad is ‘This too shall pass.’ Nothing stays the same for long. But, hey you know that already from what you have been through so far. And CR’s comment about being taken care of- is true- whatever your belief is- you get what you need- one day at a time.

    I hope you’re feeling a bit better- just try and slow everything down to the pace that suits. Wishing you well – from across the pond! Mikky X

    PS I still love your honest blog posts- even when you’re sad.

    • Mikky, thank you. You are so kind. This too shall pass is a useful mantra for me, that’s for sure. Thanks for your support and for commenting. You can’t know what it means to me! I dream about returning to the UK for a visit — my time there was crappy, but it made me a true Anglophile. Nice to have a pal in that part of the world. xox

  4. ML, I am so sorry to hear this. Please don’t give up.i hope the therapy appt went well. I see you are overwhelmed and I wish I had a magic wand to fix it. I believe your anxiety over job performance is inaccurate. I do the same thing and have to rein myself in. Prioritize your work and do what you can in 8 hours, try not to be perfect in the work. Don’t over extend, the other workers understand this balance, it took me a long time to figure it out so I get you on the stress it causes. We do it to ourselves. Don’t tell your boss you can’t do the job, do what you can and stop. Ask your boss once in a while how you are doing, bosses forget to tell us what they think. I suspect if you ask you’ll find the deficiencies are in your head, that others see you as doing a good job. If you need someone to talk to let me know, I can’t stand the idea of a world without you in it. Thank you for sharing.

    Depression lies, you know that. Jedi hugs ML!

    • Dat, big hug to you, thank you. I did sit down w/ my therapist this week and after I had regurgitated all that stuff she told me she thought I was mistaken about how I’m doing at work and about how others perceive me. You’re absolutely right, Dat, my anxiety over my job performance is totally inaccurate. Why would they be promoting me and sending me to expensive training, if they weren’t satisfied with my work? I wonder if it’s because I do not have a higher education that I hold myself to impossible standards. Or just my inferiority complex in general, I don’t know. But I know it’s exhausting and it sounds like you know that feeing too.

      I can’t tell you how often I think of you and your very wise words, “Depression lies,” because it does lie and so does anxiety! When I am able to remind myself of those truths, I do okay. But for some reason I often forget.

      I’ve had a much better week since I saw my therapist and I have scheduled four or five more sessions because I told her I really, really wanted to commit to working on alleviating my anxiety (to some degree) once and for all. Dat, I’ve worked so hard at other areas that I totally feel that if I apply myself, I can learn to live with or somehow embrace the fact that I’m high strung. You know, it’s something I’ve lived with my entire life. Maybe I can find a way to make the best of it!

      Thank you so much for visiting and for your words of encouragement. It means the world to me. xoxoox

  5. Hey girl, high strung or are you a hard working ethical person who wants to be the best at what you do and enjoy life. I think the latter, So you worry yourself, I do it too. Have to learn to realize you are excellent at what you do, the problem is you don’t believe it, ask me how I know 😳. I know you can embrace yourself and learn to cope. The doubts may never go away, haven’t for me, I just keep howling at them. Hell, I manage it with bouts of crazy and worry in between. You are not alone in these feelings, it’s OK.

    BTW, I’m in IT engineering and I don’t have a degree, I definitely get a bit worried about that sometimes, the people I work for don’t. I still worry all the time over it, hard to rein in. I think I was very lucky to have a Dad that assured me I could do anything, that I was smart, I miss him a lot. So even when I feel like I suck, I tell myself that is my asshole brain, I call someone and tell them what’s going on and usually they help me through the rat trap. Other times I go down the rabbit hole, it’s much better to reach out than stay there. I am so glad the therapist is helping. I believe you can overcome the anxiety, just try not to expect it to be a checked box. It’s day by day, at least it is for me. You have ability to see the good but when we are down we tend to magnify the bad shit.

    PS: The Bloggess taught me depression lies, I still visit her blog regularly. Jedi hugs

    • I definitely don’t think I can conquer my anxiety, but I think I can learn to handle it better, control it (somewhat) at times, and learn to find whatever bright side there is to being wound a bit too tight. In the process of realizing I like myself, I have also had to accept my weirdnesses and forgive myself for them. You sound like you have many tools at your disposal for dealing with your “asshole brain” and that’s what I need, tools in my arsenal. You’re always inspiring. I’ve forgotten about The Bloggess and must pay her site a visit soon. xox

  6. I may have more tools but that doesn’t mean I use them well. I am not inspirational, I wish :). I think the main difference is I’ve known I’m weird since my teens and I had a parent who embraced the weird and taught me not to give a shit what other people think. You don’t need to forgive weird, embrace it, let it be who you are and of course at work don’t let it hang out too much if you know it’s not going to be well received. We have to watch the weird sometimes.

    Despite my Dad’s ferocity on my behalf I have always had a hard time being me, I say I don’t care what other people think. I live my life that way. But, at the end of the day? I do care what other people think, the ones I respect, the people I wish to be friends with, or am friends with, and of course my boss(es). I do care what they think. I don’t know how to help with tools because I’m not sure what I’m doing and I get depressed over this crap too. I think the main thing is that at core I believe I have value and at core I do not have any respect for the opinion of assholes. If I respect you, opinion matters, if I do not, opinion is worthless. I don’t know if that helps. Probably not because you are not valuing yourself enough to ride the depression wave. You have no idea how often I have to tell myself I’m good, this happens a lot. When I start downing I have to cheer lead myself. You don’t suck Dat, you are awesome Dat, you just did XYZ Dat, you have friends Dat, people actually like you Dat, people will miss you if you left Dat so don’t. Get your ass out of your chair Dat and have some fun. Like that. You are not alone. xoxo

    • I love your unique weirdness, Dat. And of course I say that with love and admiration. It’s helpful for me to know that other good people struggle with these same issues. It gives me hope! You are awesome. xox

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