I’ve been sick for over a month and am on my second round of antibiotics. They’ve ruled out pneumonia and are sticking with bronchitis. I’m so depressed I can’t function.
I missed five or six days of work and then got permission to work on the weekend for twelve hours to try to catch up. Things fell apart while I was gone.
I cannot handle the pace of my job. Pure and simple. I don’t know if it’s me and my high anxiety, or if it’s the fact that they won’t listen when I point out my very heavy workload. It’s probably both.
I’m the least paid person there and I have the heaviest workload and they keep giving me more. I show them how behind I am but I guess it doesn’t bother them that much. Perhaps it should not bother me, but it does.
My work mates sit in the back from 4pm and say “we’re spent. we can’t do anymore.” But me, I’m the fool who by 4p.m. is changing toilet paper roles, taking out trash, filling the fridge with more bottles of water, answering phones, helping every person who walks in the door, and balancing two positions which require actual planning, organization, and thought.
They tell me I will have a new position in July. How can I cope until then? I honestly don’t think I can. I’m ashamed of myself.
You may recall that I have not worked for over ten years and have been on disability. I pulled myself up when my cheater ex-husband bankrupted me and found a job at 58 years of age. I figured I had no choice — I had to find a way to be strong and stand on my own.
But all I’ve found is that I’m weak, frightened, scared, and now, feeling very suicidal.
My daughter rarely calls me. I have no one to talk to. I’ve been too sick to go to church in a month.
Price of houses are skyrocketing. I can no longer find any that I might be able to afford. It seems my opportunity to live a “normal” life has passed me by.
I have an appointment, finally, with my therapist on Tuesday at 4pm. I am hanging on until then because I simply don’t know what to do.
I’m ashamed to admit that the reason I can’t handle the job is because I can’t handle working. What will become of me?
At the same time I feel they really are taking advantage of me. They are asking me to do 2.5 jobs. I realize they are a struggling non profit, but this is ridiculous.
I love it there, but will begin to see if there’s anything else out there I might be able to do. Such a shame because it’s an amazing place to work. On the other hand, maybe I am getting tired of hearing about every single child sex abuse case in my county. How much can a person take?
I’m going to meet with my therapist on Tuesday and then I’ll sit down with my supervisor and the director and tell them that I can’t keep this pace until July. There is simply too much work to do and I can’t get better due to the stress.
If I had a couple of bottles of pills I would take them, I think. No, I wouldn’t. I could not do that to my parents. But I feel it. I have no hope. I am giving up.