Can I Unplug?

When I moved to this home two years ago I got an introductory rate for just an internet connection of $29.99 per month. When the year was up they wanted to make it $49.99. I called and raised a ruckus and they compromised on $39.99 for another introductory rate. That year is coming to an end on the 20th of this month and I’m not going to plead with them any longer. I’ve scheduled a cancellation.

It’s not the $39.00 or whatever the new rate would be so much as the fact that it’ll keep rising and they’ll keep pretending they’re giving me more (a faster connection!). But I know and they know it’s not any faster. It’s the same only they get more money each year. I’m tired of making other people rich. Fuck Xfinity.

I’ve also been off of Facebook for about six weeks. It’s been hard, but getting easier. I sort of enjoyed seeing what my 50 “friends” posted, but recently, while scrolling my through my wall, I’d get messages from Facebook that read, “Want to see more stories? Add more friends.” And then it would not let me scroll through my wall.

Add more friends.

Fuck you, Facebook. Just go fuck yourself and your “friends.”

The minute the home computer came into my life, my life has become less rich. It even cost me a marriage, a good marriage, to my best friend, but I won’t go into that now. Being “connected” to strangers on the internet has not been good for me, my relationships, or my creativity.

But going without an internet connection at home will be an enormous challenge that I only pray I’ll be up to. Every night for the past five years I’ve watched a documentary to free my mind so that I could sleep.

Now I hope that listening to the radio, or some downloaded audio books will get me by. Or, if I’m lucky, I suppose I might just be too tired from being busy that sleep is less evasive.

I hope that when I come home from work I’ll think of things to do, like bake, sew, read, paint, take a walk, play with my cat, go out, instead of turning on the Roku and watching Star Trek: The Next Generation (which I’ve almost finished and have thoroughly enjoyed). I hope I’ll do instead of view.

I do feel lonely at times but does connection and social media make you less lonely or only mask loneliness? When I go visit my parents, my dad cannot stop looking through YouTube videos on his iPad. I’m glad on one hand he found something interesting and stimulating for him at this very difficult time of life, but I also see that, at 85, he’s more alive watching Scary Snowman or Bat Dad videos. He even ordered a fart toy online. But he doesn’t sit and talk to me any more. He’s in an alternate universe. A false one I know all too well.

If I begin to practice a craft every night I’ll get better and better at it, but as long as I don’t do it at all, I will never improve. I talk about losing my touch for painting, but it’s not lost forever, I’m just out of practice. It’ll come back and I’ll learn and create new things.

I’ll get a library card. I’ll actually read a book.

And for some time I may feel alone and disconnected, but after that — well, I don’t know what it will be like, but I have a feeling it will be worth the effort.

My cat just went to great effort to bring me her favorite toy so off I go so that she can burn off some cat energy.

xox