And Life Goes On

I’m settling in to life. Work is fine. It’s usually quite interesting. There are only seven of us in the office and we get along well even though we need more office space. I enjoy/admire some more than others, but that’s normal.

Since I found out I can’t buy a home until after next June when my bankruptcy will be two years old so I decided to invest in a better mattress for this daybed I sleep in in my parent’s spare bedroom. I’ll leave it here when I go, naturally. It’s firm, which I like, but I am still adjusting to it. The other mattress was soft and lumpy.

One tooth fixed, three or four more to go. I won’t be saving anything in the next several months as this dental work is very expensive. The dental coverage at work is not so great. The good news is that I am lucky enough to get it done; I love my dentist; and I am not in pain like I was a few weeks ago. My own sister’s teeth are so bad she can only eat soft foods. I am fortunate, indeed.

I’m not sure why I did it, but after all this time (since Lent) I snooped on one of my ex’s many email accounts. I felt bad about it since we’re now divorced but there was nothing there really. He must have figured out I was looking at it because there was only junk there. Funny that he just didn’t change the password! But through internet searches I saw that he’s planning to import some stuff from China to re-sell in the USA.

He’s bought the internet domain name but there’s only a “coming  soon” on it. He bought the internet name in July. No wonder he decided last month that I was no longer worth sharing with — he needs this money to start a business and his needs are greater than mine!

But I know him. I lived with him for eight years and dozens of “almost-businesses” that never happened. I’ve bought a dozen domain names that never became anything except the one I ran myself, a news website for kids that is now no longer online. Sad. I was so proud of it and worked very hard on it for over two years. But it was what it was because I ran it, not him.

There was nothing “juicy” on that email account to hit me like a sledge hammer as it did last year since it appears not to be used much any more. But there were emails from Anthropologie showing all these favorited clothes for woman. Pretty, feminine things that I would have liked if I were young, slim, and had that kind of budget. So that did make me sad. He’s still with his affair partner. Only now, after almost two years, they’re just a couple — no longer affair partners.

I can’t even get any satisfaction that she’s wised up and left him. No. He’s no doubt still love-bombing and charming her even though he doesn’t have a dime. Oh, and he’s still answering Craigslist ads from other women, so yeah, he’s doing that.

Last time I spoke with him (well, texted) he said he had five days to vacate as his friend was evicting him. I wrote that he needs to look up tenant’s rights and sent him a link. What a chump I am. A letter to vacate is not the same as a court order. Baffling to me that this guy is still on his way to sponsoring his kids and becoming an American citizen. He can’t work because he can’t get hired. He can’t pay rent or utilities.

Several months ago I saw an anime bracelet I thought one of my step daughters would love (Harijuku Lovers charm bracelet by Gwen Stefani). I bought it to send it to her in London but then found out they had moved so I just held on to it. Earlier today I wrote to her and asked her if I could send it to her. I sent her a photo of it. And she wrote back, after no communication for over four months saying it didn’t suit her, but thanks for thinking of her.

God knows what he’s told her about me and my greediness to get my hands on HIS money. But I lost her long ago since he was introducing her to my replacement while my pillow was still warm. My replacement is younger, and not stressed at having lost everything she ever worked for.

So last week he did tell OUR attorney that our original deal, to split the proceeds of our two lawsuits 50/50 was back in place. Why? Because I told him that the money would be tied up for a long time while we bickered over it. He wrote to me to tell me and to demand that I stop sending him “long emails” and how it’s more polite to call instead.

First, I can’t recall the last time I sent him an email more than three sentences long, and secondly, a known liar, traitor, and betrayer has no business telling me how to be polite. I answered him with crickets. But I will continue to use email or text as our only communication because he makes verbal promises that he does not keep. I like having a record of his promises and I don’t like the sound of his voice.

After a super hot summer the weather is finally changing and it’s beginning to feel like Oregon again. I’m hesitant to say I am looking forward to Autumn because once the sun leaves us here, it can take a while to show up again. But frankly it’s a relief. Time moves on. And before I know it the holidays will be over and my countdown to buying my own place will be here.

There’s only one thing I wish — that I had someone in my life to share things with. Someone to take care of and to take care of me. I don’t know if that’s in my future, since i have no crystal ball.

I Jumped the Gun, of Course

Well, I got an email from our attorney today stating that my ex-husband  and I are not in agreement about how to divide the proceeds of the lawsuits.

I should not be surprised, but I am.

He explained under what circumstances he could keep representing both of us, and under which circumstances he could not. Basically if I agree to let my ex keep all of his settlement, the attorney can represent me with my much smaller one.

I wrote back to the attorney and told him this was a dark day for me and I was deeply disappointed. I told him I hoped my ex would change his mind in the next few days and come back to the 50/50 agreement, but that he was no longer communicating with me.

I told him I would accept no less than 50/50% and would look forward to hearing from him.

Happy weekend, right?

I’m so down, and I explained it to my mom she says I should count my losses and just let him have his lawsuit and me have mine (they are vastly different in size). I said, no. I won’t let him fuck me over again.

She kept going on and on and I was getting really upset and finally had to walk away from her.

I’d rather attorneys be the only ones who benefit from these lawsuits than let him fuck me over one more time.

So please, don’t YOU tell me to give up and give in to him again because I won’t. I’m going to fight this as long as I can afford to without it affecting my own savings.

Jesus, I’m down.

Let it go, but fight it. Let it go, but fight it. Let it go, but fight it.

I Made Him Keep His Word

As you know, on Friday I got that call from my ex-husband at lunchtime telling me that our agreement to split the proceeds of two lawsuits we have 50/50 needed to be re-thought. I never even gave him a chance to tell me what percentage he felt entitled to, I just got angry and hung up on him after he expressed that it had to be re-thought because he “has too many expenses.”

He has too many expenses after he bankrupted me? He has too many expenses because he can’t get hired anywhere doing anything? He has too many expenses because he is trying to sponsor his children and his own immigration. He has too many expenses because he’s being evicted, bought a BMW, wears expensive suits, took his affair partner to the ballet?

He honestly feels (and this surprises the shit out of me given that he really is an intelligent man), that because I am working full time, my life is now fine, and therefore I deserve less than the 50/50 we agreed upon in dozens of texts, emails, and a notarized document.

I feel sorry for him.

So at first I considered playing dirty, but quickly realized I can’t do that. I could not live with myself if I did that, so I stated the facts in that email to him that stated roughly:

If you go back on your word I will take you to court. I will tie up the money. I will sue you for more than 50% and I will request that you pay my attorney’s fees for putting me in this position.

Then I sent our attorney an email stating we have never wavered and have always agreed on 50/50 and I copied my ex-husband on that email.

Then I held my breath.

It’s been hard wondering what he’ll do and what he’s thinking. I even emailed him yesterday and wrote, “So, what have you decided to do?” But he didn’t reply. That’s the first time in almost two years of separating and fighting and bickering that he did not respond. He’s that pissed. His silence worried me.

I didn’t hear from the attorney on Monday and I began to fear that might mean that my ex told him we do not agree and then the attorney would drop me as a client and I’d be forced to find my own attorney and begin the battle.

On the way home from work today I chanted to myself, “Let it go. But fight it.” “Let it go. But fight it.” And it was calming me. I don’t do well when situations are uncertain — I need to know.

Then I’m at the drug store waiting for a prescription and check my email for the tenth time today and lo and behold there’s an email from our attorney’s legal assistant showing the demand letter she sent on our behalf.

You know what that means?

That means he had to have told the attorney that we do agree on the 50/50. Otherwise the attorney would not have gone forward with a demand letter that included my name.

So, no matter what the outcome of these lawsuits, I’ve won. And it’s both sad and ironic to me that he will now hate me for eternity for the fact that I forced him to keep his word. He will never, ever understand that he ruined me financially and that at 58 I have a long struggle ahead of me to survive alone in this world.

I don’t know how long the process will take, but I’m thinking a good six months, probably longer. If it’s sooner than that I’ll be delighted.

A week ago I contacted another mortgage broker to find out if I could qualify for a home loan. The last company dragged me along for over two months with no answers so I gave up on them. This lady told me she’d tell me in three days, and she did.

She said my credit rating is surprisingly high given the bankruptcy and whatever I’m doing to increase that rating to keep doing it. She said, however, that I simply need my bankruptcy to be two years old before I can qualify for a loan. I took the news well because if I jumped into home ownership right now, I know I’d regret it.

She said come next spring we can get our ducks in a row find a place and close after the date in June of next year. In the past I would have felt deflated and felt that a year is an eternity, but now that I’m working I’m pretty comfortable here and mom and I aren’t really getting on one another’s nerves and I figured I could handle it if my parents could.

First I spoke to my dad alone because I knew he’d be more honest than mom would. I told him to tell me if mom “wants her house back.” He said as far as he’s concerned I don’t have to move anytime, but that he’d feel her out on the subject the next time they were alone.

The next day my mom told me I was more than welcome to stay and I could tell she meant it. So yes, I’d love to be decorating and baking and making my own home, but I can wait the ten or so months — time goes by so fast anymore.

Any money from this settlement will help me with my deposit and the furniture I will need. Right now every spare penny is going to my dentist to fix a lot of things that are wrong in my mouth. I’m just so grateful I have the luxury to pay for it and have it done.

Today a woman at work, asked if she could go to church with me some Sunday and I said, “Of course! I never miss it unless I’m sick!” And it just feels so wonderful and NORMAL to be forming relationships with people I like and relate to. She’s a liberal Catholic. I think she’d like the Episcopalian church a lot but the impressive part is that she’s curious to see what it’s like.

Work is a challenge, I admit it. I’m good at it, but sometimes I find myself having to concentrate really hard, other times I’m really speedy. Maybe that’s normal for anyone, I don’t know. But I can tell they are happy with me. I’d like to make more money and I’d like to get off the front desk, but for now I’m not really willing to make that change.

The timing just doesn’t seem right.

I’m so tired and so happy.

I made him keep his word.

War of the Roses

Please pardon me, I’ve taken a large valium that my dentist gave me. No, I didn’t go to the dentist, but I have had several disturbing conversations with my ex-husband today.

We each have a lawsuit. We agreed two years ago that I’d get half of his lawsuit and he’d get half of mine. His lawsuit is worth more than twice as much as mine, but it was a marital asset and, since he screwed me out of every penny I had, and my home, I felt entitled to half of it and he agreed.

We have one attorney representing us both, and before I started the divorce process I checked with the attorney about whether to go ahead with it or not, and he said it’s not ideal, but shouldn’t make a big difference.

But today the attorney emailed us both to say that the papers he’s looking at from our old attorney has discrepancies as far as how the proceeds are to be distributed. This was news to me.

He said he’d like us to write to him about the distribution separately. If we’re in agreement he can continue to represent us both. If we are not in agreement he can only represent one of us. (It would be my husband, since his case is larger and he approached the attorney first.).

So when I read his email I knew this was my opportunity to find out if my ex-husband planned to keep his word or not.

Short story: he doesn’t.

This will not come as a surprise to worldly, less gullible people, but it did shock me. I honestly thought the man had some integrity. Why am I so dumb to have thought that after all he’s done to me.

Because we had to be in complete agreement, when I went to get our divorce I did not include that we have any claims that we plan to share with one another So on paper he doesn’t owe me anything.

So my ex asked me to call him and I did. Almost immediately it was clear that he wants to change our agreement. I did not even listen to what he would like to propose. I am done playing by his rules. I told him it’s our agreement, 50/50 — nothing whatsoever to discuss.

I spoke about integrity, one’s word, and honor, but he doesn’t give a shit about any of that.

He wants me to take less of his proceeds.

I told him I was done helping him fuck me over and I would not accept anything less than 50%, as agreed upon. He said it’s in my “best interest” to call him. I said it was in his best interest to honor his agreement.

He tried blaming me by saying I was the unreasonable one because he gave me “the chance to talk about it” but I refused. I said, again, nothing to talk about. We have an agreement.

It went back and forth and finally I said, “You have until 9 a.m. tomorrow morning to honor your word and write to our attorney and tell him the agreement still stands at 50/50. If you do not, I cannot undo what I will do.”

He wrote, “Go ahead. Good luck.”

I wrote, “You too.”

He wrote, “I never respond to a threat. I will sue you.”

I wrote: “LOL”

He wrote, “Do it all and I will sue you. Bye.”

I wrote: “That’s what you do for a living!”

He wrote: “Do not message me again.”

I wrote: “Block me.”  And then I added, “9:00 a.m.. All you have to do is have some integrity. It’s easy.”

And that was that.

So, folks, although there may be $20,000 to $30,000 at stake here, I am done allowing him to manipulate me and fuck me over.

I have plans, many of them, which may (I hope) make his life very uncomfortable. It’s a little like War of the Roses where neither of us will end up with anything, but I don’t care.

He is justifying giving me less of what he promised for the simple reason that he has no money and I do. Because he cannot work for a living, and I have stepped up to do so even though it’s been extremely hard for me. For that reason, he thinks he does not have to honor our agreement.

Fuck him. And fuck the money. For two years I’ve not rocked the boat. I’ve not talked bad about him. I’ve played games so that we can look like we separated amiably when we didn’t — ALL FOR MONEY. Those days are over. My integrity finally means more to me than the money.

I don’t have a legal leg to stand on because I did not include the lawsuits in our divorce. It was a chance I took and I don’t really regret it. In some ways it’s fascinating to see how selfish and dishonorable he can really be all over again. I thought there was a limit to his evil, but I was wrong about that.

He’s nothing but a cold hearted narcissist, and he’s desperate, too. I don’t think I’ll hear from him before tomorrow at 9 a.m. because he really is that stubborn, but I won’t blink.

I have a plan that I will take in stages. If he does not come around, he will regret not keeping his word.

That is all.

p.s. Thank you God for inventing valium.

A Teensy Bit of Progress in the Friendship Department

The job’s been going very well. Yes, it’s a front desk job and I have to run for the phone, I don’t take any breaks, can barely get to the toilet twice a day, but the job is extremely varied and I like knowing all that’s happening in the place. I like working with law enforcement and DHS and board members. I’m beginning to feel I’m the beating heart of the place.

There’s really only one job I have in my mind that I’d like to do (other than have my own business) and that is to find a way to go to schools to talk to kids (and their parents separately) about e-safety. Even so-called “good” kids are getting caught up making horrible mistakes with people they meet online. Mistakes that will haunt them the rest of their lives. Every single day I deal with young kids and teens who are flattered when someone asks them for naked pics and soon became hooked on the flattery. Then they get blackmailed to keep sending more or they’ll share the pics with the entire school.

Their very weak self esteem makes them think if he says she’s pretty or sexy that it must mean that he likes her. Some of these boys aren’t even boys at all, but grown men posing as boys. And it escalates very quickly to meeting boys / men and doing stuff physically. And what makes me furious is these boys are watching so much porn that they think making a girl gag or pulling her hair is normal sexual behavior. I really feel for parents of younger kids in these times.

But every time the police go to schools to talk about safety with kids and they explain that no means no, one or two girls come up to them afterwards and tell them that it happened to them, only they didn’t know it was wrong until now or they were too frightened to act. And the cops don’t have the resources to get out there and warn and inform kids often enough and I really want to do some research and come up with a presentation and see if I can create that job for myself.

You never know. If someone can find the funding, it could be done.

But here’s some interesting news.

Because my brother, his wife, and young son are coming to visit starting on Thursday, my mother has had my dad working like a fiend cleaning house. This is what she does whenever they come: become obsessive about her house and plan every meal and every move. Her lists are long and they grow and grow and grow. He hosed down the entire house and the screens. He washed the windows. He had one honey-do project after another. Then last night at dinner he says to me, “I felt horrible yesterday. I was exhausted and my jaw hurt and I couldn’t even nap.” I said, “Dad, your jaw hurting can be a sign of an impending heart attack.”

Let me remind you he’s 81, has COPD, and uses a walker.

And I just felt so fucking furious that my mom will let my dad literally kill himself getting the house ready to impress my brother (who couldn’t give a shit) and his wife (who doesn’t care). I made it clear to her that I wanted him to stop all the extra activity. I demanded that he go to the doctor today. And then I had a rather awesome experience.

I felt so helpless. I was looking online at MerryMaids and places like that knowing full well it would be hard to find someone who could come so quickly. So I sent a text message to a woman I work with in the kitchen at church and asked her if she knew a cleaning person. Then I went to Facebook and messaged an older woman, a victim advocate at my work, and asked her if she knew of a cleaning person. Finally I wrote to my boss and asked her in a text.

They all responded with caring and with ideas. They were all willing to do more. One of them, the advocate from my work even said she would come over and do it herself. I was utterly blown away.

It made me realize that even though it is early stages, I am forming relationships and friendships. It’s taking a long time, but I knew they didn’t mind being asked by me and that they were willing to try to do more. That is friendship, right? I felt so happy that I could see the proof of it right before my eyes.

In the end, when I told my folks I was arranging someone to come finish the cleaning they utterly rejected the notion. They said they were almost done and dad would pace himself and it was a waste of money. And the truth is the only thing left to be done are the floors and washing the dogs. And the other truth is I should have done more myself. I dusted the whole house on Sunday and on Monday I cleaned the shower, which I do every week. I spent some time cleaning stuff out of the fridge, but other than that I didn’t really do much.

Well, it looks as though we’ll make it until Thursday when they arrive and I pray it’s a good visit. I’m very excited to see my sweet young nephew, but just as excited to see my own daughter who will be here on Sunday with her boyfriend to meet them.

I’m grateful for those rare moments when you can see that your efforts are paying off. It gives me hope for the future.

Thanks for reading.

xox