Seven

I am not making any progress in any good direction. Neither am I having huge setbacks. Is that success for me? Maybe it is. Status quo.

I joined a gym two weeks ago and haven’t gone yet. I realized I have no clothes to wear to a public place to work out in. So I spent $100 on some shit at Old Navy and it hasn’t come yet. I’m wondering if it got stolen off my front porch. People do that.

I’m coming up on a year in my own home. It’s been a really interesting adventure. I did buy a lot of new stuff when I moved here because I had to. I had no couch, bed, etc. But then I stopped buying and made do and during that time I had time to settle in and really think about what I want instead of just buying it because I had to. A month ago I ordered blinds for two windows and installed them myself. I still have several other windows to deal with.

I’m struggling to deal with end of year bills PLUS Christmas. I will have to go into savings to make it through. Next year I’ll plan better. It took me seven or eight months of living here before I didn’t have to transfer from my small savings just to get by. I have definitely learned that I feel horribly panicked when finances are out of control. So if it means eating burritos or peanut butter sandwiches to make ends meet, it’s so worth it for me.

But it does suck to deal with this all on my own. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to that. In the past it didn’t really matter if my job didn’t pay that well because there was always another income (except my last marriage, who provided no income). So, yes, it’s empowering to manage on my own. But it’s also scary. I applied for a better paying job and got an email for an interview, then I decided I didn’t want that job so I cancelled. I am just not ready. I feel secure at my job for the most part.

And I look at my little snug house and want to do SO many fun things to it to make it perfect. But there is no disposable income for that. I’ve decided that I can only do my best and that, in the end, this is a good investment. I have a fantasy that in ten years (when I’m 70) my daughter and her partner will invite me to their home and I’ll turn over what I have to them and have them fix up the room in their backyard for me.

I called this post “Seven” because I am once again, endeavoring to get a grip on my health/weight/sleep. I keep telling myself and others that my diet isn’t “so bad” throughout the day, but at night I just can’t stop eating. So, I’m doing my best not to eat after seven. That’s it. That’s the only change I’m making.

At 6:45 tonight I brushed my teeth, then I used my Waterpik, then i put in my mouth guard that I recently got. My mouth generally hurts and feels tight. I thought it might help. So far I can’t tell if it is helping. Then I used my Netipot because my sinuses are a mess, then washed my face and put lotion on. I hope to make this a routine and part of winding down, which aids in sleep preparation. We’ll see.

I do know that I really do not like eating after I’ve brushed my teeth for quite some time, so I feel optimistic in that regard.

I just had a five day weekend and don’t have much to show for it. Saw my parents a few times, but that’s it. I try not to think about how solitary my life is. Most of the time I don’t really mind, but sometimes I do. I think about how I will probably be alone the rest of my life and when I ponder why that is, it is totally due to my weight. I cannot believe anyone could see past it. Sometimes I feel I can accept that I could be without a romantic partner, after all, I’ve had four husbands and many, many lovers. But I think it’s sad that I have no real female friends. I honestly don’t know why that is. Sometimes I think people my age already have all the friendships they need. Sometimes I just think I must be too weird for most people. But I don’t really mind being different.

On a positive note, I took part of my spare room, which is rarely used, and put up my easel and began a painting. I’m super rusty holding a brush but I do hope that I’ll begin to spend more time doing that. I’ve also collected a few houseplants which feel sort of like a poor girl’s cat… I made myself laugh there. But yes, I say hi to them now and then and I stroke their leaves. I have one I’ve moved away from the others because it seems to have a bug.

I am also discovering jazz which is an enormous endeavor. I can’t put my finger on what I like but sometimes I know what I don’t like, and of course it also depends on my mood and what I’m doing. After the cheater and I split up I could not listen to the music I used to like and turned to Bach. Not classical music, just Bach. And I really loved it and still do, but I decided for my painting, it was time to discover jazz.

Here we are, a month away from Christmas and the shortest day of the year. I always like to get that day behind me because it’s so horribly dark here in Oregon at this time of year. Time really does fly and it’ll soon be getting lighter again.

xox