One Year Later

So, so much has happened. But here’s the remarkable part. Only today did I feel like I might dust off this blog and post a little here and there and when I went to see what was left of it, it had been exactly a year to the day since I’d last posted.

I find coincidences like that to be proof of something although I’m not sure what exactly. But for now I’ll call it proof that I should begin to blog a little since I’m preparing to improve myself.

In the last year what has happened? Here are some basics. a.) I bought a home of my own, b.) I’m continuing to gain weight, and c.) I’m pretty much no contact with the ex. and feel he doesn’t deserve much space here so will try to limit myself — after all, we have been apart for 3.5 years now which is about half of our marriage! He’s been with his young girlfriend for all that time, and I am pretty sure they’ve moved two hours away, at least that’s what I’m really hoping.

There are two main things I’d like to accomplish by beginning to write again, 1.) I really want to get healthier and that includes losing weight and exercising, and 2.) I have a very tight budget in which to live on and could use inspiration there.

Okay I reluctantly will add a third: In the midst of Trumpland I am very dismayed by my fellow Christians and have been in a quandary about how to reconcile that right wing Christians don’t seem to care about their fellow man at all. Not even a little. Not only that, but they are mean and horrible. I saw a video of a man at an airport screaming at a man who had been talking to his mother in Spanish because that is the language she converses in the easiest. The racist said the most horrific things and all I could focus on was the gold cross on a chain around his neck and I felt such shame. Shame and confusion. I truly believe that such things would sadden God as well.

I am a liberal. If you’re new to this blog, please know that and if you don’t like it, block me now — I have no time for you. I mean it.

I am struggling with God as well. I haven’t been to church in nearly two months, which makes me sad, and I need to take someone aside and ask them if God exists, why does he/she let so many terrible things happen? There must be some quaint response to that, right? I probably should just Google it.

I don’t feel I have anything to offer anyone and wouldn’t recommend anyone read my blog for insight. I write for mostly selfish reasons — to help me see what I can’t see so that I can cope better in the world.

I bought a scale today. I’ve never owned one before. I can’t be bothered to look back on this blog to find it, but I believe I weigh about nine pounds (or is it 19lbs?) less than my maximum weight when the shit hit the fan and my ex-husband cheated on me and abandoned me.

I really thought owning a home would keep me so busy that I wouldn’t have time to eat but that’s not the case. Well, it could have me that busy, I’m just not letting it. I thought I’d be gardening for hours each week and, while I do garden, it’s pretty minimal. I moved here in the dead of winter and it was a cold winter. I spent my time figuring out how to pay the least for cable and getting used to not being frightened to be on my own after living with my elderly parents for over three years.

Speaking of elderly, I will be 60 years old in about ten days. I have a big mortgage which I probably won’t come close to paying off, so I must take better care of my health so that I can work and pay my bills for as long as possible.

I don’t feel old and I’m pretty sure most people would be surprised to hear I’m almost 60. But I probably only look a few years younger since I have almost no gray hair. My mother, who will be 81 has only about half a head of gray hair. I used to dye my hair blonde but then began to feel it was aging me, plus my hair wasn’t very healthily looking. I thought I had more gray and decided to stop dying it so I could embrace it, but turns out there’s not much there.

I also stopped wearing any makeup this last year. I felt it was also aging me and I thought that I’d end up being one of those women who draw their eyebrows on unevenly and so I decided to just go natural. I’m still getting used to it, but my gosh it makes getting out the door easy, plus it saves a lot of money. It’s also nice not to have makeup ruin a white blouse, etc.

So yeah, the PTSD of my entire life eats at me and makes me eat and eat and eat. That’s all due to ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and I could continue to eat myself to death or I could try to figure some of these feelings out. We’ll see. This has been a lifetime struggle.

Tonight I unwrapped my new scale and stood on it w/ clothes on and it showed 254. I feel fairly confident that the fattest I’ve ever been before was 270 ish so I haven’t quite gained it all back, but may as well have. I’m sure the young people I work with are more than a little horrified by how fast I have gained weight in the last couple of years. I am not very vain but I do feel shame in how I’m forced to dress to accommodate this weight. I also don’t like that my bum can barely fit in my office chair now.

I suppose I deserve this because in the midst of my 70 pound weight loss I was so smug. I said things like, “People can lose weight, they just choose not to.” Ouch. What an asshole.

I have been eating a little bit better the last week or so, trying to put the breaks on my night time binging which is the main time I overeat. The weather is improving so I should be able to get moving, but I also am not a big sun lover so it can quickly become too hot for me. For the most part I feel I will have to find ways to get exercise indoors (gardening not withstanding).

I have a lot of work ahead of me. If you have inspirational blogs to recommend, by all means share them with me.

It’s good to be back, I think.

xox